Haddie Bo Bo,

 

It almost seems like a sin to say but today I saw a video of you and at first I looked away.  Then realizing what I did I forced my self to look at your face and stare into your eyes.  It hurt to see you so alive, moving, and babbling.  I almost felt a sense of shame??? I remember you everyday.  But today the feeling I felt when I saw you I can’t describe in words.  So much of your life feels like a dream that I once lived.  So long ago.  A different lifetime.  I was different when you were alive, our family was different, my marriage was different.  Some how things made sense when you were here.  You are the missing piece.  You will always be the missing piece that makes this family whole.  That makes this life make sense.

Last week I was away for work.  So I spent a night alone in a hotel room.  I had all of these plans to relax, sit in the hot tub, maybe go shopping with out your brother screaming at the top of his lungs.  But I couldn’t.  I couldn’t seem to remove myself from the bed (after work).  I sobbed the whole night and again in the morning.  I’m not sure why, other than I was alone and I could grieve you freely.  Without judgement.  Without scarring my children.  Without eye rolls.  Without having to give an explanation.  I have had many many good days and I have shed considerably less tears in the last few months.  I guess it was just time to release them.  You were a big deal.  You deserve every tear, every thought I have to give.

Sometimes when I am missing you, and I may look sad, I get the question, “What’s wrong?”  Inside I am thinking “Are you really asking me this question?”  You aren’t here that’s what’s wrong and that’s what will be wrong for the rest of my life.  I hate trying to explain myself because I can’t.  There are times where there is just sadness looming and not a specific reason that I can point too, or something that has triggered an emotion.  I think its deep within my soul.  A feeling that is always there under the surface at all times.

At the end of the day I may be the only one that remembers you.  And that’s ok.  You were a part of me that can not be replaced.  Even though I know subconsciously I am always searching and trying to fill that void whether I want to admit or not.  I think it’s natural to try to fix something that is broken.  Even when it isn’t fixable.

 

Today I remember you even when it hurts.  I love you

Love,

 

Mama