Dear Haddie Bo Bo:

Your Daddy and I just got back from a trip out west. We visited a friend that Mama met at the National Cribs for Kids Conference. We attended her Gala for her foundation that is very similar to Haddie’s Calling but on a much bigger scale. I had the pleasure of sharing your story and helping raise money to prevent further safe sleep deaths. We also spent a lot of our time learning how they run their foundation. We did get to spend time together and explore the mountains. The Tetons are beautiful and any time I am some place beautiful it makes me think, reminisce, and dream of you.

There was a point during the trip that many friends started posting “back to school” type stuff on facebook. Everyone is doing some form of this whether its actually going back to school, shopping for school, or just can’t wait to send the kids back to school. Which I totally get these things are necessary. Obviously we have to get ready to go back to school.

But while everyone is doing that I am inside having massive anxiety about it. Nothing as it should be for our family. This is one of those times that slaps me in the face. This would be your first year of kindergarten. You should be hopping on that bus with Elo. Elo should be so excited to show you around the school. But instead I can only imagine in my head what those moments might look like. My heart is heavy for Elo. We talked about how you would be going to school with her and she said she would hold your hand on the playground and push you on the swings. Heart Broken.

I feel like this is a common theme in my life. That while everyone is doing this, I’m doing or feeling something completely different. Many times no one can tell the inner agony I am feeling. That’s ok. Even the people that live with me in my house don’t even know.

So as many people look forward to the first day of school I dread it. I’ll have to figure out again how to be so excited for Elo, send her off with a smile, as my heart crumbles to pieces. But this is my normal, in fact I’m a pro at it now.

I love you Haddie and you deserve the world. So does your sister and brother. You deserve back to school shopping, and first day of school pictures. I wonder what your answers would be for our chalkboard? What do you want to be when you grow up? What’s your favorite color? Who’s class you would be in?

I still find myself asking, “Haddie where are you?”

I love you.