A few days ago I was having one of those weepy mornings. I had gone on a walk early by myself and cried for the majority of it. I came home and got Elo ready and we all got in the car to head to my doctor’s appointment. These have become a family affair lately. As we drove we somehow got talking about baby boy’s room. Then Elo talked about her room and asked me where your room was. Daddy said that you still had your room in our house. Elo said, “No where is Haddie’s room in heaven?” Your Daddy and I were both quiet for a minute hoping the other would answer. Finally I said, “Haddie’s room is in Heaven on a big fluffy cloud that she can bounce on any time she wants. Doesn’t that sound fun?”
“Yea, I wanna go there.” Elo said
I said, “Some day we will go there. Hopefully, Jesus will come back for us and we can all go together.”
“No I want to go right now.” Elo said with an increasingly frustrated voice.
Your Daddy said, “Mama and Daddy would miss you so much and we want you here with us.”
“No I want to be with Haddie.” Elo replied and started to cry.
Your Daddy and I let her cry and we sat in silence for the rest of the ride to Grand Rapids. Of course I let the tears stream down my face. I want to be with you too, Haddie.
Today Elo was having quiet time in her room and Daddy and I were sitting outside. We talked about you. Would you have hair by now? Would it still be blonde or would it have started to turn brown? Would you be sassy like your sister? I personally think that you didn’t have a sassy bone in your body. Your Daddy thinks that you would have learned to keep up with Elo. Our life is so quiet right now. In those quiet times I can’t help but think of you. How different our lives would be and look. A few weeks ago we had gone shopping for some clothes for Elo, some for Daddy, and I’m sure I found something for myself I always do. But after we checked out I said to your Daddy, “Think of how much money we would have spent if Haddie was here.” He replied, “I would gladly spend it all.” I hate that I have to sit and try to imagine what you would be like. How you would look. How our lives would be. I have started to go through Elo’s clothes and give some away to people who need them or sell them. If you were here I wouldn’t be doing that. I would be saving them all for you. I also ordered a 3 year old picture of Elo to put in her frame that is next to yours. Your picture stayed the same. You will always be 9 months.
We are patiently awaiting the arrival of your brother any day now. Elo so desperately needs a sibling. She is very much an “only” child right now. For many reason this baby is Elo’s baby. Much of my decision to have another child was for Elo. I am sure I will be surprised at how much this baby will change our lives, etc.
Today is 13 months without you. I feel it. I love you. I miss living life with you.