Haddie Bo Bo,
This past weekend we attended a family wedding. As your Daddy and I were driving to the reception I was thinking about how this young couple has a whole life ahead of them. It’s such a happy and exciting time for them. It made me think back to my wedding day and the feelings I had. I was so positive and so excited to build a life with your Daddy not knowing the joys and the tragedies that we would experience. If I am honest I never thought about the bad things that could happen to us on that day. I thought about the kind of life I wanted to live not the what if’s.
I turned to your Daddy and asked, “Would you still have married me if you knew everything that we would have to go through?”
He responded without hesitation, “Yes”.
He went on, “Losing Haddie is the worst thing that ever happened to me, but having Haddie is one of the best things that have ever happened to me. Even if I knew she would only be here 9 months I would never erase the memory.”
That’s exactly how I feel too. Would life be easier if this had never happened to us and erase it all? Yes. But I wouldn’t give up knowing you for anything. I would have you die all over again so I could see you live. It’s hard to put into words but I’m going to try. You were a baby, you didn’t talk yet, but you still were your own person. You had the sweetest personality and the kindest spirit. Wrapped up inside of you was a lifetime of hopes, dreams, goals, mistakes, and experiences. It’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact that you were here and part of our family and now you are gone. We won’t get those moments back and we won’t see everything you were supposed to be.
I started taking an anti-depressant recently. Daddy says I am nicer to him. But I haven’t cried since I started taking them. I don’t like that. I feel numb…grieving you is my only connection to you. Yes life goes on (I hate that phrase)…but I never want to not feel connected to you. I see glimpses of you when I look at Fitz but it’s not enough….it’s never enough.
I love you…always.
Mama
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