Haddie Bo Bo,

Daddy hung up the canvas pictures of you and Eloise in our bedroom.  Eloise and I were laying in my bed because we weren’t feeling well.  She looked over at your picture and said, “Haddie jump out of the picture.”  She then went on to pretend that you were jumping on the bed with her.  This kind of stuff really just rips me apart.  I love that she remembers you and misses you.  I just hate that she has to pretend these moments.  We should be living these moments.

Haddie’s Calling is on it’s way!  We have a logo now and a sample sleep sack in the making.  So many people have reached out and supported us.  I feel so grateful that people remember you and want to honor you as much as I do.  We have raised enough to put in our first order!  Pretty soon your story will be reaching new moms, families, daycares, hospitals, churches, etc.  You would be proud.

Your sister got the stomach flu for the first time.  IT WAS HORRIBLE.  Vomit everywhere.  It’s so hard to see your child in pain and uncomfortable.  As I was holding her hair and rubbing her back I was thinking that I will never see you this sick.  I won’t take care of you and try to make you feel better.

We attended Daddy’s work Christmas party this week.  I am glad I went and it was good to see people.  It was also a hard experience.  I got introduced to some new people and had to make small talk.  Which I have always sucked at small talk but now it’s even worse.  I sometimes feel the need and urge to just spit it out awkwardly, “My daughter passed away.” Like word vomit.  Which just makes everyone feel horrible.  But at the same time I feel like it’s just such a huge part of who I am that I can’t keep it in.  I feel like if I get it out then maybe they can understand why I am the way I am.  Also I live and breath it everyday so I almost don’t know anything else or I have just come to realize that the little stuff just doesn’t matter.  So not only am I socially awkward meeting new people I am also socially awkward with the people I have known for years.  I have a hard time sometimes actively participating in a conversation.  Sometimes it’s just easier to stay home.  It takes so much energy to interact that most times I find myself sobbing on the way home because I am so spent.

It’s also weird to get a glimpse of my former life.  I had to dropped Eloise off at a babysitter that used to watch you too sometimes.  It felt very much like a “regular” day in my old life.  Attending this party was something I used to look forward too.  Sometimes I would help with putting it together.  I sat at a table with the staff I used to manage.  It was easy to let myself pretend that this was still my life.  I miss my old life and I miss you.  I miss how simple life used to be.  I miss waking up without pain.

Love you and I hope you are running and playing and laughing.