Today I can't

Haddie Bo Bo,

There are toys strewn about my living room. A sink overflowing with dishes. Food still stuck to the table from last night’s dinner. Eloise is running around, playing, singing, and laughing. LOUD. The house still feels empty.

Today I can’t look at your pictures because they hurt to much.

Today my normal “go to” distractions are not working and I give in to the sadness and the constant flow of tears.

I am angry. I let myself say the things I feel even if I know they aren’t truth.

I brought your car seat into the house today. The car seat I dropped you off in at daycare that Tuesday morning. The car seat I should be cleaning off and preparing for your little brother or sister. The last time I saw you, was in this car seat. But I can’t. It still smells like you.

I should be changing the sheets on the crib. They still have your drool stains on them. I can’t.

Today is a day that life seems to hard. Too daunting. Too painful.

I count down the hours until I can go to bed. Escape from this reality and hopefully dream of you.