Dear Haddie BO BO,

What do I do when I am consumed with grief for you….

Sometimes I write to you.  Sometimes I watch a lot of TV to drown out my thoughts.  Sometimes I let it overcome me and I lay down and cry for along time.

Today your sister wanted me to push her around the living room in her little baby stroller.  It reminded me of the time that we put you in the baby stroller and Elo pushed you around.  It was cute until you leaned forward and the stroller went with you.

Here is a picture right before you tipped over!

My goal is to live this life as full as possible to honor you, Haddie.  But sometimes that is really hard when I feel like getting out of bed is an accomplishment.  Is it crazy that you haven’t been here for a month and a half and I still have trouble believing your gone?  Did this really happen to me?  I try so hard to set goals for the day.  Today I wanted to clean the house, do laundry, and play with Eloise.  We went outside to swim in the pool.  I was doing good until I couldn’t stop my thoughts of what it would be like with you here.  So as I am swimming your sister across “the neighborhood” also known as the pool I have tears streaming down my face.  I still haven’t cleaned the house or put a load of laundry in the washer.  Yes it is nice to be sitting outside in the sun on a Wednesday afternoon.  But I would give it all back, and work the rest of my life, 7 days a week, if it meant you would be here. 
This is what we should be doing.

Your daddy and I went to counseling for the first time.  It was hard.  I cried the whole time and I told the guy that I don’t buy into “healing from this”.  So hopefully he doesn’t think I am a lost cause, but even if he does I’m ok with that.  If I have to live without you I am ok living with the pain that comes along with that.  I am ok with crying everyday and feeling like I am just surviving.

In other news I am trying to potty train Elo.  Right now she is sitting on her potty chair watching “Olivia” completely naked.  It’s quite a funny site and I wish you were here to see it.  She is singing very loudly her naked song, “Me naked oh ya oh ya.”

As I was cooking dinner last night I said to your Daddy, “I wish Haddie was here to run into my feet. Or sit in her high chair while I feed her to many graham crackers so I can attempt to cook dinner.”  Life isn’t the same without you and we feel it every moment of every day.  Nothing is the same with out you here.

Love you Bo Bo,