Haddie Bo Bo,
Today my mind keeps going there.
I feel the lump in my throat rising and I try to swallow it.
I feel the tears forming…they are seconds away.
I am irritable. I snap easily.
I have the “mean” face, as Eloise calls it.
I know if I just let it go I can’t go back.
I struggle to keep it together.
I still can’t believe that this is my reality.
Some days I hate to admit it but I can pretend this didn’t happen.
I can live an almost normal life on the outside.
There is nothing new to say that I haven’t already said.
I do dream of the other life I was supposed to have.
I dream of the other life my kids should have.
I dream of the other marriage I should have.
“Which cloud is Haddie’s cloud, Mama?” Eloise asked me this today. Usually I can appreciate her sweet innocence, and smile. Today I couldn’t answer.
“What was I doing when Haddie died, Mama?” Eloise asked me this a few days ago.
“I think you were sleeping, baby.”
I know you are worth every tear I have to shed. You deserve them all. I love you so much. I miss you so much and I will always dream of “the other life we were supposed to have, the one where you didn’t die.”