Haddie Bo Bo,
I am traveling today. I am coming home from Louisiana from a work trip. My flight was at 6:00 am so when we took off it was dark outside. I said a prayer like I always do before take off, “God, please keep this flight safe. But if you decide to take me to be with Haddie, please make it quick.” I don’t pray this every time I fly but today this was my prayer. I would be at peace with either outcome. The thought of potential death doesn’t scare me. If I’m honest sometimes it’s a welcome thought.
Because I am on a dark airplane with nothing to distract me one thought lead to another. I kept thinking of the time we spent with you after your funeral. When I held you for the last time, Daddy read “Goodnight Moon”, we sang you “Jesus loves me”, and prayed over you. It wasn’t a long time that we spent, and now I regret that. Looking back, people were waiting for us to head to a luncheon, and I don’t like people to wait on me. But now I regret this decision to hurry. I should have held you all day.
Your funeral was on a Saturday and you weren’t cremated until Tuesday. The thought of you lying alone tore me apart. Our funeral director Dave has since told me that he and his wife had gone to visit you on Sunday after church and just sit with you. Why didn’t I do this? I should have gone every day to see you….until the last possible moment. What is wrong with me? I’m sorry. So sorry.
I used to be so scared of dead bodies. But you were mine. So when I saw you and spent time with you nothing scared me. I ran my fingers along the incision they made along your scull and sewed together. I didn’t know they had sewn your mouth shut. But I wanted to see your teeth. Your teeth that you used so often to give me your painful kisses also known as bites. So I made Dave open your mouth so I could see them one last time. I wanted to see everything that they had done to you.
Flying today reminded me of something I forgot to tell you. On our trip back from Florida last month, Eloise looked out the window and I told her that the white stuff was clouds. I told her we were flying through a cloud. She looked at me and so innocently asked, “This plane will take us to see Haddie?” I smiled as my heart broke, “I wish baby. I wish it was that simple.”
Eloise’s preschool teacher said that the kids were talking about their siblings today at school. She said Elo said, “I have Baby in Mama’s tummy and Haddie Bo Bo, I miss her so much.”
I recently asked Eloise who Jesus was. She replied, “The man who takes care of Haddie.”
Love you baby girl,