Haddie Bo Bo,

The day after you were born I was in the hospital.  I was considering staying another night because it is easier having the help and well to be honest your Daddy and I really liked the food.  It was in the morning and the day shift nurse came on duty.  She asked me a few things and made me uncomfortable so I abruptly told her that I wanted to go home.  So I came home and I was so car sick on the ride home I couldn’t open my eyes.  I walked in and laid on the couch and slept for hours.  Thankfully Grammy and Mimi were here to help with your sister and you.

Your Grammy is a skilled sewer and has made Eloise and you special blankets.  They are so special that I haven’t let you guys use them. I recently went through all of your clothes and pulled out any that were special or I remembered you wearing a lot.  Some of them still had dirty knees from you crawling all over.  I went through each one and reminisced about the last memory I have of you in each outfit.  Your Grammy is making me a quilt out of them.  I can’t wait until its done so I can curl up with it and think about you.

I drove to Walgreen’s to get some throat drops.  On the way home Carrie Underwood’s “See You Again” came on.  This is the song that was played during your slide show at your funeral.  At first I just teared up.  Then I started screaming and weeping.  I’m just so upset and it’s not fair.  I am mad at God tonight.  Why didn’t He intervene?  I am mad that this is my life.  I don’t want this life.  I want my baby.  I want you back.  Sometimes I don’t think I will make it through another day or another hour with this unbearable pain that has no end in sight.    Tonight the pain is overwhelming as I think of the 2nd approaching. Your birthday is right around the corner.  How will I live through that day?  I know that I will be surrounded by people who love me and who loved you, Haddie.  I know that I can and will live through those days, but I just don’t want to do it.  The mad phase has begun…

Love you Haddie,