Haddie Bo Bo,
Your Uncle Aaron spoke at church today. He was talking about the tension in our lives and he said, “Tension is being stuck between what should be, and what is.”
It hit me. This perfectly describes what I feel on a day to day basis.
I constantly feel a tension between being present everyday and living life, and just wanting to be with you. Somedays I can take some time, grieve you, and then move on with my day. Others I can’t get past it and I feel this tension deep inside my soul. Yesterday was one of these days. I laid on the couch, watching Elo play through my tears. I wanted to join her, she deserves that, but I couldn’t move past it. I kept praying, “God take me to be with, Haddie.” But I know I need to be here for Elo and that thought is sad too. Everything is just overwhelmingly sad.
Thursday, June 2nd, was the 1 year anniversary of your passing. How have we lived this year without you? It has gone by so fast. But in that same thought, it seems like an eternity since I have seen you, or held you. My heart aches to hold you. I am having trouble picturing what our life would look like if you were here. I am having trouble remembering what life was like when you were here. I do remember how happy we were, how content I was with life. I knew this day would be hard. I sent Elo to Aunt Emily’s for the day. I sat in your room and opened your chest and touched your clothes. I hugged your blankets and smelled them. I rubbed my fingers tips over your handprints. I held your hair clippings in my hand. I watched your “lifestory” from the funeral home and sobbed, wept, screamed. I listened to your funeral and there was more screaming. It was ugly. But you deserved every tear, every scream, and every ounce of grief. You deserve that for the rest of my life.
I didn’t expect the raw emotions I would feel surrounding this whole week. The anticipation leading up to June 2nd and especially how hard the days following June 2nd would be. Today I woke up and looked through my pictures on #Timehop. Today was the day that we saw your for the first time in the funeral home. We held you. We put your PJ’s on. We read to you. I painted your finger nails and toes. I remember feeling your weight against my body and even though you weren’t alive it felt so good. There was healing in that moment.
So yes this week was and continues to be hard. “Hard” doesn’t do it justice. But also this time of year. Spring seems to be the time of year to celebrate everything….Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Daddy’s Birthday. With each of those days I am stuck. I am stuck in the tension between what should be, and what is. You should be here with us everyday. Life shouldn’t hurt everyday, every breath, every moment, we live without you.
Every time I hear someone share your story I am proud of you. It means so much to me. But then there is always this weird feeling….why is this my story? Why does this have to be our story?
I didn’t tell Elo what June 2nd meant. But that morning she woke up and went into your room. She said I want to hold the “Haddie Bear”. So I picked it up and put it on her lap.
These moments I will treasure forever.
I grieve you everyday, Haddie, not just June 2nd. A piece of my heart is forever missing.
I love you,