So many ?’s Never any answers

The perfect family picture doesn’t exist for us anymore.  I found myself sucked into browsing people’s facebook pages today.  Over and over I was looking at people’s perfect-looking family pictures and I was jealous.

Yesterday I was sad.  I was sad all day.  I missed you.  I was struggling with the reality of life.  I wonder if we should have ever gotten pregnant.  My thoughts were consumed by the betrayal that I think you must feel.  Do you think we have forgotten you?  We have spent most of the past few weeks preparing a room for your brother.  The brother you won’t meet.  The brother that won’t know you.  Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with grief, and the hormones that go along with being pregnant that I feel like giving up.  I just can’t handle it sometimes.  When this happens I find that I am useless.  Any plans I had I can’t seem to fulfill.  I cry a lot.  I have very little patience.  I fail Eloise as a mother…. I wonder if I will be a failure to your brother as well.  What kind of a mother will he know?  He will only know me after you died, not the kind of mom I was before.  Will he wonder why I get sad?  Why I burst into tears with no warning?  I feel like life should have stopped when you left.  Nothing should have changed. And now maybe I am violating that…I am the one at fault.

I wish I knew that you really got these letters that I write you.  Are you “watching” over us, as so many people tell us?  Are you proud when we do something to honor you?  Are you really in heaven?  Do I believe I will see you again?  But if I don’t believe all these things then what?  I have no hope at all.

I just miss you.  You were so sweet.  Your smile so bright.  You loved me…and I loved that you loved me.  Life is hard without you.  I hate that it is hard to remember the details of your day to day life.  It hurts me.  Life hurts me.  I get angry.  I can’t believe this happened to us.  That this is our story.  I miss holding you so much.  This would be easier if I could just hold you every once in awhile and see that you are ok.

When we watched your news story your Daddy and I both sobbed the whole time.  It was surreal seeing your sweet face on the TV.  I was watching our story not someone else’s.  It was much harder than I thought it would be.  It was beautiful and sad all at the same time.  Elo immediately said, “That’s Haddie Bo Bo.”  I was proud of you.  I am always proud of you and your story.

I can’t figure out how to rotate these pictures.  But your baby brother’s room is coming along.

Eloise did amazing at her first dentist appointment.

Love you baby girl,

Mama