The perfect family picture doesn’t exist for us anymore. I found myself sucked into browsing people’s facebook pages today. Over and over I was looking at people’s perfect-looking family pictures and I was jealous.
Yesterday I was sad. I was sad all day. I missed you. I was struggling with the reality of life. I wonder if we should have ever gotten pregnant. My thoughts were consumed by the betrayal that I think you must feel. Do you think we have forgotten you? We have spent most of the past few weeks preparing a room for your brother. The brother you won’t meet. The brother that won’t know you. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with grief, and the hormones that go along with being pregnant that I feel like giving up. I just can’t handle it sometimes. When this happens I find that I am useless. Any plans I had I can’t seem to fulfill. I cry a lot. I have very little patience. I fail Eloise as a mother…. I wonder if I will be a failure to your brother as well. What kind of a mother will he know? He will only know me after you died, not the kind of mom I was before. Will he wonder why I get sad? Why I burst into tears with no warning? I feel like life should have stopped when you left. Nothing should have changed. And now maybe I am violating that…I am the one at fault.
I wish I knew that you really got these letters that I write you. Are you “watching” over us, as so many people tell us? Are you proud when we do something to honor you? Are you really in heaven? Do I believe I will see you again? But if I don’t believe all these things then what? I have no hope at all.
I just miss you. You were so sweet. Your smile so bright. You loved me…and I loved that you loved me. Life is hard without you. I hate that it is hard to remember the details of your day to day life. It hurts me. Life hurts me. I get angry. I can’t believe this happened to us. That this is our story. I miss holding you so much. This would be easier if I could just hold you every once in awhile and see that you are ok.
When we watched your news story your Daddy and I both sobbed the whole time. It was surreal seeing your sweet face on the TV. I was watching our story not someone else’s. It was much harder than I thought it would be. It was beautiful and sad all at the same time. Elo immediately said, “That’s Haddie Bo Bo.” I was proud of you. I am always proud of you and your story.
I can’t figure out how to rotate these pictures. But your baby brother’s room is coming along.
Eloise did amazing at her first dentist appointment.
Love you baby girl,