The perfect family picture doesn’t exist for us anymore. I found myself sucked into browsing people’s facebook pages today. Over and over I was looking at people’s perfect-looking family pictures and I was jealous.
Yesterday I was sad. I was sad all day. I missed you. I was struggling with the reality of life. I wonder if we should have ever gotten pregnant. My thoughts were consumed by the betrayal that I think you must feel. Do you think we have forgotten you? We have spent most of the past few weeks preparing a room for your brother. The brother you won’t meet. The brother that won’t know you. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with grief, and the hormones that go along with being pregnant that I feel like giving up. I just can’t handle it sometimes. When this happens I find that I am useless. Any plans I had I can’t seem to fulfill. I cry a lot. I have very little patience. I fail Eloise as a mother…. I wonder if I will be a failure to your brother as well. What kind of a mother will he know? He will only know me after you died, not the kind of mom I was before. Will he wonder why I get sad? Why I burst into tears with no warning? I feel like life should have stopped when you left. Nothing should have changed. And now maybe I am violating that…I am the one at fault.
I wish I knew that you really got these letters that I write you. Are you “watching” over us, as so many people tell us? Are you proud when we do something to honor you? Are you really in heaven? Do I believe I will see you again? But if I don’t believe all these things then what? I have no hope at all.
I just miss you. You were so sweet. Your smile so bright. You loved me…and I loved that you loved me. Life is hard without you. I hate that it is hard to remember the details of your day to day life. It hurts me. Life hurts me. I get angry. I can’t believe this happened to us. That this is our story. I miss holding you so much. This would be easier if I could just hold you every once in awhile and see that you are ok.
When we watched your news story your Daddy and I both sobbed the whole time. It was surreal seeing your sweet face on the TV. I was watching our story not someone else’s. It was much harder than I thought it would be. It was beautiful and sad all at the same time. Elo immediately said, “That’s Haddie Bo Bo.” I was proud of you. I am always proud of you and your story.
I can’t figure out how to rotate these pictures. But your baby brother’s room is coming along.
Eloise did amazing at her first dentist appointment.
Love you baby girl,
Big hug sandy. You know there is no perfect family and the curse of the Internet is everyone pretending they are. you have every right to be sad and mad and every other emotion. It is good that you let yourself feel all the feels. Some days. It just sucks. Haddie is real and rarely a day goes by that her beautiful little face doesn’t cross my mind and I say a prayer for her in heaven and you on earth. I am living a life with more purpose, and more Jesus, thank you Haddie Bo Bo. Xo