April is drawing to an end.  I laid in bed this morning thinking about this next month.  May.  Our last month we spent together.  Your eyes were so bright and your smile was so big.  How will I live through this month.  Inside I am screaming.  I’m pissed.  I’m broken.  My heart is broken for you.  All of my hopes and dreams feel gone.  My happiness is stolen.  How do I survive this life with out you.  The pain weighs heavy on my chest.  The sun and its warmth seem to mock me.

With the warm weather we are venturing outside more and more.  I brought up the water table and sand box for Eloise.  I sit on the deck and watch her play.  I remember exactly what last year was like.  I sat and watched you both play at the water table.  Life was good, complete, and whole.  Everything was as it should be.  Now my life feels like just a shell of what was.

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Aunt Alisa had her beautiful, perfect baby girl Olive this past week.   She is perfect and I could hold her all day.   We visited them at their house yesterday.  Crew loves his sister and sweetly cares for her.  I watch him with her and wonder what you would be like with our new baby.  I can’t even imagine it.  Your not here, and if I am honest I don’t even know what that would look like any more.  We would have a van right now.  Not this car that doesn’t fit 3 children.  Everything seems so wrong with out you.  Nothing makes sense any more.  My life is a bad dream that I can never wake up from.  I can’t escape.

Most mornings I wake up and cry my many tears for you…alone.  Before Elo gets up, and before your Daddy wakes up.  They don’t need to know how sad I really am.  How unconsolable my grief is.  How dark my mind is.  They deserve every ounce of happiness this life has to offer.  I do my best to show them life without all of the sadness.  So many times my heart is not there.  You sit in a box on a shelf.  The child I carried, gave birth too, nursed, and adored. Sometimes it’s all just too much.

Elo is awake and I can hear her up there talking to herself.  I love her:)

My love for you never changes, my longing for you never ends.