No stranger to tragedy…
Haddie Bo Bo,
Our family is no stranger to tragedy. It was 2011 and your Daddy and me were living in a two bedroom apartment in Holland. I found out that I was pregnant and bought your Daddy a baby Detroit Tigers hat. He didn’t grasp the announcement at first he just said, “This hat is too small for me.” We were so excited for what the future held we had purchased a child friendly SUV and put in an offer on a house. We went to our first doctor’s appointment at 10 weeks along. The doctor did the check up and said everything looked good. Now the part we were waiting for…listening to the heartbeat. He tried to find it for a few minutes…nothing. Not a big deal because the baby is so small that sometimes it’s hard to find. So he sent us down the hall for a an ultrasound. It was so cool to see our little baby for the first time. We could see very little arms and legs. It was surreal I asked, “Is that really a baby?” The ultrasound tech said, “Yes that is a baby, but unfortunately there is no heartbeat.” She immediately got up and walked out to get the doctor. We both sat there stunned at what we just heard. I just cried and cried and cried. Because I was farther along I had to have a operation to remove the baby. I have heard of miscarriages in the past and one of our good friends who is a doctor cautioned us about the odds. You just don’t think it will be you. I still have the ultrasound picture on our refrigerator.
I would say 3 months later we got a positive pregnancy test again. We were cautiously optimistic when we called the doctor. This time they had us come in at 7 weeks for an early ultrasound. This time I was a little nervous but still excited. The ultrasound tech said, “Sorry the baby has not developed.” A miscarriage again how is this happening.
The third time was the charm and we ended up with sassy spicy, Eloise. The thing about miscarriages for me was that they stole the joy of pregnancy. After the first one I was no longer full of joy when I found out I was pregnant, I was full of fear. I was still full of fear after the first trimester when the odds of miscarriage drop substantially. Even if I were to get pregnant again after successfully have two healthy babies I would still be fearful.
This is how I feel about life after loosing you, Haddie. I feel like my joy and blissful happiness has been stollen, and nothing will bring it completely back. These couple days that we spent up north as a family were relaxing, fun at times, sad at others. There were times we laughed and times we cried. We talked about you often and said how much you would like the water. Now I am that anxious mother that is constantly worried about their child’s safety. To be honest I don’t like being away from Eloise at all.
We took our first family picture together since you have been gone. Compliments of our selfie stick, because your Daddy hates i
t when I ask strangers to take our picture. We are smiling in the picture because that’s what you are supposed to do right? I know that you are always with us, Haddie. But that’s not good enough for me. I don’t really find that comforting yet, maybe I will someday. I want you back where you belong with us in our family picture.
Love you always and forever,
I do literally carry a little of you everywhere I go…