Dear Haddie Bo Bo,
We have experienced all four season in one week here in Michigan. Early this week we had amazing summer-like weather. It felt so good to be outside breathing in fresh air, and letting the sun warm my skin. It is truly amazing how weather can be so good for your spirit. Then today we have snow on the ground and we almost drove our car into a ditch on the way to church group (after the second slide off we turned around and went home).
This time of year is always a difficult one. I start to relive “that year”. I look back on the memories that we shared and I can feel the anxiety rising because I know what is to come. I have an urge to shake off the hibernation of winter, and come alive again with the weather. But with that same breath the inner turmoil is burning inside.
Your daddy and I went on a long over due date last night. I asked your daddy if he gets sad this time of year. He said that he “has a new normal”. He went on to explain that my grief is more like a roller coaster up and down. Similar to Michigan again weather; one day I’m wearing flip flops and soaking in the sunshine and the next my world is cold and snow covered. Your daddy said that his grief is steady and stays pretty consistent. His highs aren’t as high and his lows are lower. When life is a 10 it’s now an 8, when life is a 3 now it’s a -3. This may not be making sense to you, but it was eye opening to me. It made so much sense.
One area of my life that is coming alive again is my faith. It is a VERY slow process and just like my grief it is up and down. It has been 3 years since we have really attended a church, or been involved with a life group. For me it was even deeper than that. It’s been 3 years since I have opened my Bible or even said a prayer that wasn’t just for my kids sake. But even though I know that I haven’t been pursuing God, he hadn’t left me. He pursued me at the right time. He knew that if he left it to me I would have probably never taken that first step. One day out of the blue my pastor’s wife texted me and said she wanted us to be a part of this group they are going to lead. It was a sign. A big sign. Even though I didn’t really want to go, and I didn’t feel ready to open that part of my heart again, we went. This is not where I tell you that I have this deep relationship with God, and I am praying everyday, and reading my Bible. I am still not consistently doing any of that. But I am showing up, when I can. Sometimes I am just going through the motions. But that is all I can do at this moment and I know that God is meeting me there.
Time does not heal all. But time does change things, and feelings.
Haddie everyday I am thinking of you. I grieve you everyday. Sometimes it is just a thought, or a picture. While more recently it’s crying in the shower, and in the car, and constant cycling thoughts. But that’s the ebb and flow of my grief.
I love you. It’s not fair. You should be here. I miss you. These words seem so empty. So not enough to describe a lifetime without you.
Love Your Mama.