Haddie Bo Bo,
Here it is. One of the days that I have dreaded since the day you left us. Today is 10 months from the day you died. You have officially been gone longer than you lived here with us. How is that possible? How am I am still breathing, functioning, living. It takes my breath away. On June 2nd, 2015 so many thoughts ran through my mind. One of them being how will I live through this day? How will I live up until this this day. It didn’t seem possible. But here I am still breathing with out you. The only way I can put words to it is I have too. I have to for Eloise. I have to for your Daddy. I have to for baby boy in my tummy. Every time he kicks me he reminds me of new life but also of your death, your absences from our life. Believe me when I tell you that your absence is felt in every breath I take. It’s unfair. It’s cruel. It doesn’t make sense. It will never make sense.
I drove to get our Saturday morning donuts today. On the drive home I was thinking how beautiful this morning is with the sun rising against the trees. But I can’t appreciate the full beauty of this moment because everything is a bit dimmer. I see the world in grey….not color. I still see the positive. But now I always see the negative with it. It’s hard to hope. It hurts to hope. It feels like betrayal to hope. Maybe I deny myself that hope and I push it away. Maybe I am just not ready to hope and someday I will. That’s what people say. But then again maybe I will never have hope again and right now that feels ok. On day that you’ve been dead for longer than you lived it’s ok for me not to feel like hope exists.
I want to tell you that I will never forget what it felt like to hold you, to kiss you, to hear you laugh. But if I am truly being honest I do forget. I look at pictures of me holding you and I try to remember. But most of the time I am left wondering and longing, to know what it felt like. What it would feel like now.
I miss you. Eloise and I are sitting at the kitchen table eating our donuts. I wonder what kind of donut you would like? Does Jesus feed you donuts in heaven? I can’t imagine a heaven without donuts.