Haddie Bo Bo,

It is officially fall and all the fall weather is here.  We have been doing many “fall” activities.  I have found that living life as big as possible makes the days go faster.  Then I am one day closer to seeing you again.

Eloise my little monster

Many people have told me that over time it will “get easier”.  So far that has proven false.  Everyday it gets harder for me.  I love my friends so very much and they have been so amazing to us.  I won’t lie though it is hard to be around them sometimes.  We lived life together….now when we are together I am reminded of the life I used to have the joy I used to have.  I look at pictures from before you passed and I can see how happy we were and it’s painful. Good things are happening all around me and I constantly battle conflicting emotions.  I am truly happy for the blessing my friends have and I would NEVER want anything else for them. No one should know this pain.  Naturally I think anyone would feel this way but I am one of the few that will say what I am thinking.  WHAT ABOUT ME GOD?  I do feel abandoned many times.  You are gone baby girl…and not coming back that reality is cruel and slaps me in the face daily.  We had already begun the discussion of having another child before you left.  So we would love to be blessed with a baby and the joy it would bring to our lives.  There are so many layers of complicated emotions that would go with having another baby now.  I never imagine our family only having two living children.  I never thought there would be a huge gap between my children.  In the past we were blessed to be able to conceive quickly.  Which is a huge blessing because so many struggle with infertility and that pain is very real.  It just hasn’t happened for us yet.  Is this God saying we aren’t ready the timing isn’t right?

A very sweet lady from our church sent me a card the other day with a “Haddie Story”.  She told me about the one and only time she met you.  This meant the world to me.  I love when people remember you it is like medicine for my soul.  I only have my memories of you so it’s nice to hear others.

A photo of you popped up on my timehop today of your two month check up.  You were a tiny, wiggly, thing.  I brought you to the doctor and to my surprise you had a double ear infection!  I had no idea.  I am so thankful for this phone app because it helps me remember what I was doing with you!

I love you sweet girl.  I would take you back anyday, anyway.  Sick and grouchy bring it on!  
Love you,