Haddie Bo Bo,
This week has had it’s ups and downs.
Wednesday was an up. We had some friends ask us to come to Music In The Park in Saugatuck. The clouds had cleared and the sun came out. The pizza was delicious the music was good. Elo danced a lot and we got ice cream. This is how I like to spend a summer night.
Thursday was a big down. We woke up to a voicemail that someone we love very much had to go to the hospital, my superhero, my mom. So I dropped Eloise off at the Brown’s and headed downtown. It’s about a 40-45 minute ride to Grand Rapids. So I was by myself in the car driving with no distractions so I thought a lot. I thought about you. I thought about your funeral and living through that. Thinking about it now its a good thing that funerals are within a short time of death. I was in such shock I was just going through the motions. My friends and family basically did everything for us. It would be so much harder to attend your funeral today. I thought about your last moments and how innocent you were. It hurts me deep in my core to think of you laying there by yourself. I go over every detail of that day. I think about the first responders and if they tried to save you. Why didn’t they just try? Miracles happen right? So as I torture myself on this drive to the hospital I am sobbing, screaming, totally losing it. Then I start to think about my mom and how I am not ready for her to leave me. I start to have a conversation with God that went something like this…. “I would really, really have a hard time with you if you took my mom too. Are you really this cruel?” Which I know those thoughts aren’t truth and I was speaking out of anger.
I arrive at the hospital and I walk down the same hallway that I walked when I was in labor with you. I used the same bathroom I used that night. All I could think about was the last time I was here was to give birth to you, my precious baby girl. The last time I was here I held you quietly in our room. I was haunted. I am haunted almost everywhere I go.
Thankfully I found my mom was doing ok and there is nothing “serious” to worry about at this time. Just need to make a few adjustments. After spending time with my mom at the hospital and making sure she was ok I left to come home. I had gotten a call that your death certificate was ready to be picked up. Awesome. So I headed to downtown Holland to meet our amazing funeral director Dave. I walked in and they are in the middle of a renovation. I sat down and unloaded on Dave. I am sure he didn’t realize that he has also taken on the job of counselor. He graciously listened to me as I talked about my out of control thoughts and emotions. We then took a walk through the chapel to see the work that was being down. We walked down to the room that I saw you in, held you in, painted your toes in, put your pjs on in, whispered to you in.
Later that night we took Eloise to her preschool open house. She met her teachers and explored her room. She is so excited! Of course my crazy mind went there….I won’t be sending you to preschool. There where tons of families there with there soon to be preschooler and their younger siblings. Not us.
There is always going to be downs even on our best day. Every morning I wake up to you not being here and that sucks. Life will always suck. Even on the happiest of days life sucks because it’s missing you.