Haddie Bo Bo,

I know that you know how special your sister Eloise is.  You loved her so much and you showed her by your “Haddie kisses” aka bites, stealing her applejuice, and wanting to do anything she was doing.  I have been worried about her lately and how this is all affecting her.  She knows you aren’t here and she sees me cry often.  We talk about you daily and she sings you songs.  She still calls you, “My Haddie”.  Aunt Emily has been helping take care of Elo when I have to run errands or help at work for a couple hours.  During those times she has had some conversations that I cherish.  Emily has typed them up for us to have:

While I was helping her ride a bike, Elo says to me…
Elo: “Mommy and Daddy are sad.”
Me: “why are we they sad?”
Elo: “because of Haddie.”
Me: “Are you sad?”
Elo: “I’m not sad. I’m happy!”
Me: “Why are you happy?”
Elo: “because she liked me.”

While I was pushing her on the swing…
Elo: “Mommy and Daddy are sad.”
Me: “Why are they sad?”
Elo: “because of Haddie. I sad too. I cry in my bed (starts to fake cry)”
Me: “Where is Haddie?”
Elo: “Up there (pointing up to the sky)”
Me: “Oh yes, she’s up there with Jesus.”
Elo: “It’s too bright, I can’t see Haddie without my sunglasses. I need my glasses to see Haddie.”

Me: “What do you think Haddie is doing with Jesus?”
Elo: “play.”
Me: “She’s playing with Jesus? Do you think he’s tickling her? (I tickle Elo) Did you tickle Haddie?”
Elo: “Haddie bite me. (Holds her arm)

See Haddie, Elo holds you in her heart.  She knows you loved her, “Because she like me.”  I wish I could feel like Elo does.  I wish I could feel happy because I know you loved me so much.  Maybe it’s the guilt I feel for not keeping you safe.  Someday I am sure I will feel happy when I think of you, but today is not that day.  

A friend came over today to bring a meal, she has experienced the loss of her daughter to cancer.  Although your death was so unexpected at least I didn’t have to see you suffer.  It has been 7 years since she lost her sweet girl.  I told her that I am scared to be her, to be 7 years out from the day you died.  She seems to function and enjoy life again.  I know that she still has grief everyday and still misses her so much.  It was comforting to talk and share stories, cry together, and just have that understanding.   

This video is from 3 nights before you died.  I can’t watch it because it’s so special and right now brings pain and anger.  But it’s one of my very favorites.

Love you baby missing you so much it hurts,