Everything I do I miss you…

Even when I am distracted by the demands of life and not actively thinking about you…I miss you.

I had signed Elo up for Cubbies.  It is Awana for 3-4 year olds.  I was so excited to send her and get her Cubbies vest.  Tonight was the first night.  I got a phone call and the lady said that since Elo doesn’t turn 3 until Oct 16 that she is cannot come this year.  Even though she attends preschool and is potty trained she couldn’t come.  So this was disappointing news but not something that should set off an hour of sobbing.  Well it did.  Yes I was sad that Eloise couldn’t go but it wasn’t really about that.  It was about missing you.

I have been getting more angry by the day about you not being here.  Not only are you not here which is the most heart breaking realization that I wake up to everyday.  But it effects every area of my life.  It effects my marriage.  It effects my relationship with Eloise and how I parent.  It effects my relationship with my friends.  It effects my professional obligations.  So on top of grieving you I grieve all of these things too.  I can’t help but think everything is ruined or tainted.  I am not good at anything anymore.

My best friend Alisa has a licensed preschool in her gym.  Last week the license lady came to check in on her preschool.  Alisa told the lady thank you for what you do and about my story.  The lady immediately knew that she was talking about you, Haddie.  She said that she had heard the story and it was so sad.  Hearing Alisa tell me this story was surreal.  It’s surreal to me that people have heard about you and what happened.  It is also strange think that people talk about you and they have never met you.  But your story should be told and I want people to know you and what happened to you!  So that another baby doesn’t die and another family isn’t broken.

We love you so much baby girl.



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