Haddie Bo Bo,

So I have been taking this anti-depressant and lately I have been feeling different.  I feel happier, more content, hardly crying ever.  I find that I think about you, almost like reflection.  In the past I would think about you and start to cry….and then sob.  I have also found that I try not to think about you.  I’m sorry I know that sounds horrible.  But sometimes I just can’t go there.  I don’t know if it’s the medicine or me.  I feel more numb these days.  It’s so hard to describe.  I know that I have been more content, but then I get mad at being content.  So I don’t know if I will continue to take it….I’m still undecided.

September was Safe Sleep awareness month and it was a busy month for me.  I tried to talk about this topic as much as possible.  We had your 5k and I did a news interview for Fox 17.  When I see pictures of the race and the interview I still can’t believe that is our story, our life.  In many respects you are becoming the face of safe sleep.  Which I am so happy about.  I see your face on posters, websites, tv segments and I am so very proud of you.  You have saved lives and continue to do so.

We are about to celebrate Elo’s 4th birthday.  One of her presents is a big picture of you and her.  We have a picture of you blown up on canvas in our bedroom and Elo said, “I want a big picture of Haddie in my room.”  So that is what she will get.

We just got back from vacation in South Carolina.  We had a fabulous time with friends that are like family.  One day we were walking to the park and it just happened to be the 2nd of the month (1 year and 4 months since you died).  Elo started talking about you.  She said, “Haddie is in heaven.  Let’s go see Haddie in heaven.”  I was quiet I just couldn’t respond at that moment.  I want more than anything to see you.  Aunt Alisa stepped in and had a great conversation with Elo about God coming back for us so we can all go see you together.  Yes we have been on a lot of vacations or getaways.  I feel like I have to look forward to something.  So I plan trips.  I get excited to go, and be distracted, and maybe pretend that my life is something it’s not.  If only for a few days.   If I am honest I do a lot of pretending.  Pretending to be ok.  Pretending that I am happy when I am not. Coming home is always the hard part.  Coming back to reality.  The reality that you aren’t here and life is hard.

You will always take my breath away.