Haddie Bo Bo,
So I have been taking this anti-depressant and lately I have been feeling different. I feel happier, more content, hardly crying ever. I find that I think about you, almost like reflection. In the past I would think about you and start to cry….and then sob. I have also found that I try not to think about you. I’m sorry I know that sounds horrible. But sometimes I just can’t go there. I don’t know if it’s the medicine or me. I feel more numb these days. It’s so hard to describe. I know that I have been more content, but then I get mad at being content. So I don’t know if I will continue to take it….I’m still undecided.
September was Safe Sleep awareness month and it was a busy month for me. I tried to talk about this topic as much as possible. We had your 5k and I did a news interview for Fox 17. When I see pictures of the race and the interview I still can’t believe that is our story, our life. In many respects you are becoming the face of safe sleep. Which I am so happy about. I see your face on posters, websites, tv segments and I am so very proud of you. You have saved lives and continue to do so.
We are about to celebrate Elo’s 4th birthday. One of her presents is a big picture of you and her. We have a picture of you blown up on canvas in our bedroom and Elo said, “I want a big picture of Haddie in my room.” So that is what she will get.
We just got back from vacation in South Carolina. We had a fabulous time with friends that are like family. One day we were walking to the park and it just happened to be the 2nd of the month (1 year and 4 months since you died). Elo started talking about you. She said, “Haddie is in heaven. Let’s go see Haddie in heaven.” I was quiet I just couldn’t respond at that moment. I want more than anything to see you. Aunt Alisa stepped in and had a great conversation with Elo about God coming back for us so we can all go see you together. Yes we have been on a lot of vacations or getaways. I feel like I have to look forward to something. So I plan trips. I get excited to go, and be distracted, and maybe pretend that my life is something it’s not. If only for a few days. If I am honest I do a lot of pretending. Pretending to be ok. Pretending that I am happy when I am not. Coming home is always the hard part. Coming back to reality. The reality that you aren’t here and life is hard.
You will always take my breath away.