Haddie Bo Bo,
I was looking at the calendar for one reason or another. One reason being that October 2nd marks 4 months with out you. I realized that the end the year is coming sooner than I would like. The end of 2015 terrifies me it brought an anxiety I haven’t known yet. I don’t want this year to end….EVER. I don’t want to live in a year that you didn’t exist. As soon as this thought crossed my mind I was done for the day. I had fallen into the pit and nothing was going to be able to pull me out. Sometimes I just can’t do this thing called life without you it’s messy and it hurts. The end of the year will come and I will life through it no matter how much I fight it. Sometimes the hardest part about all of this is I have no control, no other options, I am at the mercy of this thing. Sometimes I just want to say take me I have had enough and I can’t endure one more moment. Why did this have to happen to us?
Tonight we were all sitting on the couch watching Peppa Pig, Elo’s favorite. I looked over at Chris and said what I was thinking, “I am having a hard time imagining what life would be like if Haddie was here.” I can’t believe I thought that and I can’t believe I said it out loud, but it’s the truth.
I miss you so much, Haddie. I miss the way you loved me. The way you had to be close to me no matter what. I miss the way you needed me. You needed not only for the normal things like eating but you needed me to be your voice sometimes. I can’t help but think that I failed you terribly by not trusting my gut feeling. This is the last video I ever took of you. You had been standing at the screen door babbling loudly and jumping up and down. I came over and got down on my knees to take the video. As soon as you saw me you stopped the adorable moment I was trying to capture and came over to me, crawled up me, just to be close.
Elo has been asking me to bring you back more and more. Today I went to get her out of her bed and she said, “Haddie. Mama please get her.” I wish I could more than anything.
I am just having a hard time finding the positive lately. I was talking to a good friend, who has lost her daughter too, about this and she said, “I pray that God shows me that He is still good.” I find myself praying that same prayer. I have been pregnant 4 times and I have one living child, 2 I never got the chance to hold, and you my sweet girl who was taken. Our family is so broken without you, incomplete. Really missing you today and I hate that life “goes on”.
I love you forever sweet girl and I promise there will never be a day where I am “over” this. I will never forget you or that you are part of our family, and I won’t let anyone else forget either. I promise.