Haddie Bo BO,
Sitting next to my tv is a picture of you. Elo moved it there today because she kept hitting it with her ball. So she moved it right next to the tv. I have been trying to focus on some sort of mind numbing tv show but I can’t. It’s been staring at me all day. Burning a whole into my heart. I have been sitting here for 3 hours trying to ignore it. Trying to ignore the rising anxiety, and lump in my throat. After 3 hours of staring at it I gave in and I let the tears come. Somedays I am good at keeping it together. Today is not that day. I can’t pretend that life is ok today. It is not ok that you aren’t here napping with your sister. I really just hate living life without you. It’s so unfair and at times unbearable and I don’t think I will make it through the next minute let alone the day.
We went to Sam’s Club after nap time. We can never seem to spend less than $100 each time we go there and this time was no different. Your sister was on a shopping mission putting whatever her heart desired into the cart and I let her because I didn’t have the energy to put up the fight. I have found that since you’ve been gone it’s hard to say no to her in general. Her sister died she deserves whatever she wants. She picked up a bag of Babybel cheese. After we check out I unwrapped one and gave it to her. As we drove home she happily ate her cheese. She said, “I break it into pieces for Haddie.” I looked back at her and she has several pieces of her cheese broken up for you. She then said, “I put it on the table Haddie come back.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that you weren’t coming back and I frankly didn’t want to speak the words.
I had planned on getting your 1 year pictures taken and our family pictures done at the same time. You passed before that happened so we never had any professional family pictures taken. This is something I will always regret. So I had someone draw a picture of our family. I think it turned out so good. Elo saw it and immediately said, “Mama, Daddy, Me and Haddie. Haddie I go find her.”
I wish we could just go find you and bring you home.