Haddie Bo BO,

Sitting next to my tv is a picture of you.  Elo moved it there today because she kept hitting it with her ball.  So she moved it right next to the tv.  I have been trying to focus on some sort of mind numbing tv show but I can’t.  It’s been staring at me all day. Burning a whole into my heart.  I have been sitting here for 3 hours trying to ignore it.  Trying to ignore the rising anxiety,  and lump in my throat.  After 3 hours of staring at it I gave in and I let the tears come.  Somedays I am good at keeping it together.  Today is not that day.  I can’t pretend that life is ok today.  It is not ok that you aren’t here napping with your sister.  I really just hate living life without you.  It’s so unfair and at times unbearable and I don’t think I will make it through the next minute let alone the day.

We went to Sam’s Club after nap time.  We can never seem to spend less than $100 each time we go there and this time was no different.  Your sister was on a shopping mission putting whatever her heart desired into the cart and I let her because I didn’t have the energy to put up the fight.  I have found that since you’ve been gone it’s hard to say no to her in general.  Her sister died she deserves whatever she wants.  She picked up a bag of Babybel cheese.  After we check out I unwrapped one and gave it to her.  As we drove home she happily ate her cheese.  She said, “I break it into pieces for Haddie.”  I looked back at her and she has several pieces of her cheese broken up for you.  She then said, “I put it on the table Haddie come back.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that you weren’t coming back and I frankly didn’t want to speak the words.

I had planned on getting your 1 year pictures taken and our family pictures done at the same time.  You passed before that happened so we never had any professional family pictures taken.  This is something I will always regret.  So I had someone draw a picture of our family.  I think it turned out so good.  Elo saw it and immediately said, “Mama, Daddy, Me and Haddie.  Haddie I go find her.”

I wish we could just go find you and bring you home.

Love you,