Haddie Bo Bo,

Happy Birthday Baby your one!  A year ago today I pulled you out and cuddled with you on my chest.  I held you in my hospital room and it was quiet just you, me, and Daddy.  I nursed you and stared at you wondering who you were and how you would fit into our family.  

Yesterday I woke up to many sweet messages on facebook wishing you a Happy Birthday and prayers for us.  I cried as I read every single one of them.  Some very good friends of ours took Eloise and her buddy Hollis to the zoo for the morning.  Eloise loved it!  I was told that she sang you Happy Birthday several times.  She misses you so much, Bo Bo.

 I went out to breakfast with Aunt Emily, Aunt Alisa, and Crew.  Then it was back to the house to prep for your party.  I decorated the kitchen with all things “Haddie”.  I wanted this day to be about you and celebrating you and remembering you.  The day really was perfect, the sun was shining with a light breeze, and it was warm.  We had a blast hanging around the pool watching your friends swim, blow you bubbles, play with chalk, and chase each other around the yard.  We ate good food and had cake and ice cream.  Then I opened your gifts; people were so generous and thoughtful.  I shed many tears as I opened them and thought about how cute you would be in the outfits.  How you would have loved to play with the toys.  Your very own toys, not your sister’s toys, that you had to play with when she wasn’t looking.  We are donating all of your gifts to children your age that needs them.

The day went just how I thought your birthday would go….except I never imagined you wouldn’t be here to enjoy it.  Although I don’t think you would have loved all the attention.  You would have clung to me as people would have tried to hold you (and I would have loved it).  You would have played in the balls with Crew and splashed in the water in the kiddie pool.  You would have been running all around, hopefully saying Mama, and flashing your adorable toothy grin.

Once it turned dark we headed down to the water to send you a lantern.  We sent you 1 purple lantern and watched as it floated into the dark sky until we couldn’t see it anymore.  I didn’t want the day to end.  I wanted to hold on to every second because I felt like I was holding on to you.  

During the festivities I was okay.  I enjoyed it and I felt so blessed that people remembered you by calling, texting, sending cards, flowers, and just showing up.  Today I woke up and I felt sad and empty.  We will always celebrate your birthday sweet girl even when I am 80 years old.  August 4th is your day and we will never ever forget who you are to our family and the joy you brought us.   There are certain things a parent should never have do and having a birthday party without their child is near the top of that list.  But we honored you today and had fun doing it and I think you loved it.  I hope Jesus gave you the biggest hug and sang you Happy Birthday today.  We sure did miss you down here.