Haddie's Best Buddy

Dear Haddie,

Around the time you were born many other babies in our friends and family circles were being born too. You had lots of friends very close to your age that you played with. Especially your buddy Crew. Crew is about 3 weeks younger than you and you guys were the best of friends. As soon as you saw him you would crawl over to him and bop him on the head and immediately give him a “Haddie kiss” which is also known as a bite. Crew always handled it so well like a gentleman of course. It is so fun to be able to see your friends grow because I can see what you would have been doing. It is also very hard to see them because I think about all the stuff you should be doing. I love to hold Crew because it’s the closest thing to holding you.

The first time Crew came over after you passed I went to help Aunt Alisa get him out of the car. I opened the door and he was sleeping. I started unbuckling him and he woke up and looked at me and gave me the biggest grin and his eyes lit up. It was so sweet but reminded me so much of you that I immediately started to cry. I won’t see that look on your face again. I love to rub Crew’s head when I hold him because like you he doesn’t have much hair either. Aunt Alisa asks if I am ok when Crew is around and I say yes. I say yes because I love Crew. Yes there are times when it is hard and I will cry but it is a “good” hard. It keeps me close to you, and to feel someone in my arms the same weight as you is comforting.

I received a bracelet today in the mail from an organization called “Tiny Purpose”. This organization is a support for women who have had miscarriages or lost a child. The bracelet is pink and has the initial “H” for Hadley. Inside the card it said, “May you find comfort in knowing the one you lost is safe in His arms.” I just wish I could find comfort in that, but I can’t, not yet. I am so furious that you are not here. It’s only been a month and a half and it seems like forever. I don’t remember what it’s like to hold you, or smell you. Haddie I am crying as I write this and speaking your name outloud. I really do not know how I will survive this misery. People keep telling me that over time it will get more bearable, but it has not. In fact it has gotten more unbearable. My heart aches for you and knowing that I won’t ever be able to hold you again makes it worse. My thoughts are my own worse enemy. Yes I know I will see you again in heaven, but you won’t need me. You won’t need me to hold you. I am completely robbed from being your mother and I am pissed. It’s so unfair and my grief is overwhelming. I love to go to sleep because I get a break from feeling this intense torment. I hate waking up to find out that your still gone and I have to do it all over again. I wish my prayer could be, “God take away this pain.” But what if the pain does go away? Does that mean I will not miss you as much?

There is a picture of you on our shelf in our living room, happy as can be. Looking at it haunts me of the life we could have had, the life we should have had, the life we did have.

Even though I am struggling down here I know you are smiling your toothy grin up in heaven.

Love you baby girl,

Mama