Silly Bo Bo

Haddie Bo Bo,

I no longer go to work everyday, but I have been helping out a few days when I am needed.  I woke up at 6 this morning which is the earliest I have been up since you have been gone.  You waking me up at 6 was the norm for so long.  I got on the road around 7 and made the 2.5 hour drive to the other side of the state.  I cry in the car a lot even when it’s only a 10 minute drive so this was something I was not looking forward too.  Sure enough I didn’t even make it to the highway before the tears started coming, they didn’t stop for the whole first hour.  Finally it was a decent hour and I could start calling people to keep me company.  It was a very busy day and my mind was occupied.  I had a glimpse of my old life and how that felt.  In my old life as the day winded down I would start to look forward to getting to see you and your sister.  I would leave work as soon as possible to jump in the car and hurry to where you were.  I would pull in the drive way, throw my car in park, and briskly walk to the door.  I loved the feeling in my tummy when I would see your face light up when it saw mine.  I felt complete when I got to hold you in my arms, it made it all worth it.  I would walk your sister and you to the car and strap you in.  Before I closed your door I would peek into your car seat and kiss your cheeks, tell you I loved you, and make you show me your big toothy grin.  Today was different.  As the day came to an end instead of anticipating picking you up I had the realization that I have to go home to the same crappy situation I left.  That sucked.  Coming home is never the same.

In other news….I am now doing anything I can to honor you and remember you.  I had a great conversation with a lady who is in charge of Safe Sleep Classes in Ottawa County.  We did some brainstorming on how we can partner together to bring awareness to Safe Sleep but also tell your story.  My next thoughts are very new so I am just going to put them out there as my thoughts.  My dream is to provide a Sleep Sack to every baby born!

I would like to start fundraising and using all the money to buy or make sleep sacks.  I would then donate them to hospitals, pediatric offices, Safe Sleep Classes, or anyone who needs them.  I want to have your story attached with the Sleep Sack so everyone who gets one would read about you.  So I think I need to start a non-profit maybe it would be called Haddie’s Sleep Sacks.  I have big dreams for this….I would love to have annual events.  Maybe a sack race event!  How fun would that be?  I am really passionate about this, Haddie!  You wore a sleep sack just like this every night to bed.  I am really not sure where to begin with this so it is a very new idea.  I just want to do everything I can to prevent another family from feeling the pain we are going through.  
I gave your sister an early birthday present this weekend.  I bought a Little Tikes Playhouse and she was in heaven.  She ask me, “Mama come in my new house.”  Making her smile gives me the most joy.  Yesterday we were all outside and Eloise was playing in her house.  She came over to me and said, “Mama can you bring Haddie back to play in my house with me?”  “Go get her, Mama.”
I said, “Haddie would really love your house wouldn’t she.”
That’s how it should be, Haddie.  You should be running in and out of that little house with Elo bossing you around.  “No Hads. Stay in here.”  I can just hear her say it.  It hurts deep inside to think of what could be, what would be, and what should be.  
Love you so much sweet girl.