Growing Pains

Haddie,

Eloise is the only child that has called me Mama. She is the only one that I have seen stand on her own, take her first steps, etc. Fitz is getting older and he is starting to pass some key milestones. He is now sitting up and getting up on his hands and knees. I remember these moments so well with you. I have a video of you up on your hands and knees rocking back and forth. So as Fitz is learning to do all of these new things it reminds me of you. So far he hasn’t done any of the things you didn’t do…but I know someday he will. Someday he will call me Mama. Someday he will stand up and take his first steps. He will be potty trained. I have 3 children and only 1 has done these things. It blows my mind to think that Fitz will do these things. By the time you have your 3rd child you think, “I will be an expert at such and such because I have done it twice before.” But that is not the case here. There is so much that I didn’t get to see you do. There is a lifetime of things that you won’t do. Memories you will be absent from. Fitz is 6 months and he is now bigger than you when you died. He is a big boy! Sometimes when he is sleeping in my arms I think of you and the last time I held you. This is how big you were.

The other day I was at Aunt Alisa’s gym and she was telling someone about Crew going to 3’s preschool this fall. I froze. I held my breath as the thought entered my mind. You would be going to preschool this fall. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. As quick as the thought came…I wanted it to leave. It is not fair. I just miss you so much. I feel like I am having growing pains. It pains me that you are not growing and doing the things you should be. As excited as I am to see Fitz grow and do new things it also pains me to know he will soon pass you and do the things that you didn’t get a chance to do.

I have a friend that struggles with infertility. She has been waiting so well with so much grace. She has every reason to be bitter, and angry with the cards she has been dealt. She has faced disappointment after disappointment on this journey and yet she still has hope. She still clings to her faith and trusts God’s will for her life even when she fiercely disagrees. She truly puts me to shame. I know that most of the time I am not waiting well. I love my children. But there are far more moments that I am angry, and bitter, and just want to throw in the towel. I find myself wanting to pack up my family and run away. There is something so appealing to moving away, far away. So many days I wake up and there is a huge list of things I need to do or should do, but instead I sit on my couch in my robe surrounded by the chaos that is in my house. Or I wake up and pack up the kids and run away from the house to a new adventure. It’s a roller coaster with the highest highes, and the lowest lows. I am hopeful that someday my “hope” will come back. Or maybe I do hope but I’m to scared to embrace it, and just flat out reject it.

here is a video of you on your hands and knees:

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here is Fitz!