Haddie Bo Bo,

Last Saturday we welcomed your brother Fitzgerald Penn Bromley.

My doctor was off this week because of the holiday and I was scheduled to see a different doctor.  I was not thrilled about this.  In fact I made it clear to anyone who would listen that I wasn’t going to go to the appointment.  So Friday came around and your Daddy was insistent that I go.  So we packed up Elo and drove to Grand Rapids for this appointment.  When we got into the office my blood pressure was high.  The doctor did her other checks and then took my blood pressure again and it was still high.  She sent me immediately over to the hospital to be induced.  WOW.  I was not prepared for that.  So around 10:30am I was rolled into labor and delivery with your sister on my lap.  We were in for a long day and all I could think was I should have eaten more for breakfast and I haven’t pooped in 2 days….  They didn’t start an IV until around 2:30 so labor didn’t start until around 6:30.  I watched the Gymnastics Olympic trials while I pushed and at 12:00am on the dot Fitz was placed on my chest.  We had a wonderful experience.  I had the best labor and delivery nurse who stayed 3 hours past her shift to help with delivery.  My first question after he came out was, “Is he still a boy.”  I loved him right away.

We went upstairs to our hospital room and got settled.  About 12 hours or so after delivery I was nursing Fitz and he started to spit up or so I thought.  Then clear liquid started draining like a fountain from his mouth and nose.  I sat him up and tried to clear his airway. He had put his head all the way back and wasn’t breathing.  Your daddy rushed over took him and tried to get him to breath.  He was turning blue, veins popping out of his neck, and clearly struggling to get air.  I called for the nurse and it seemed like it took forever for her to come.  By the time she came I was legitimately freaking out.  She took Fitz and suctioned his air way and beat on his back and soon he was breathing again.  She kept saying he is ok and I screamed through my tears, “He’s not ok!”  I looked at your Daddy and he too was upset. It’s been awhile since I have seen that look in his eyes. But Fitz was ok and it was amniotic fluid from his lungs.  I just couldn’t stand watching my child struggle.  I couldn’t stop thinking about you.  You died alone.  Suffocated alone with no one to rescue you.  I explained to the nurse how you had died and she understood my intense reaction.  She kept trying to hand Fitz back to me but I was scared to take him.  I almost sent him to the nursery.  I was doubting my ability to keep him safe…keep him alive.  After this I was mad.  It ruined my day.  I cried many tears for you.  You didn’t deserve what you got.  You shouldn’t have been alone.  Why did this happen to our family?

It has been easy to love Fitz.  It has also been easy to be mad that you aren’t here to meet him and terrorize him.  He is a good mix of Elo and you.  I think he might have your blue eyes.  When we came home from the hospital Elo greeted us at the door and she was so excited.  But you weren’t there…

It’s amazing how something so alive can come out of a place that has felt so dead the past year.  I am still not ok with it.  I will never be ok with it.  I love you Haddie and you should be here with us.  This is where you belong.  Your Daddy said it best with his facebook post.