October 15th was Infant Loss Awareness day. We participated in the “Flicker of Light”. People all across the globe light a candle for their baby they lost at 7:00pm. You let it burn for an hour and there will be a continuous wave of light across the globe for 24 hours. I asked Aunt Alisa, Aunt Rachel, and Aunt Emily to light candles for you too.
Today we celebrated Elo’s birthday. The first of many birthdays she will celebrate without you and that thought makes me mad. It was one of those almost perfect days. This morning I couldn’t sleep so I got out of bed and started getting things ready. There is something so wrong about having Elo’s birthday without you. We threw the biggest party we could I left for the party early to decorate and get situated. I had a 25 minute car ride to think about you. I cried and grieved the fact that you weren’t here for this big day. I didn’t want Elo to see me cry on her day. You should have been sitting right next to Elo as she blew out her candles. Eloise did have some unwanted help from her buddy Hollis.
A friend’s daughter who came to the party today told her mom that last year at Elo’s party was the first time she held you. I love getting these little tidbits of information. It is truly the best gift. One of my really good friends struggles with infertility. She and her husband came today and I know it was hard to see everyone with their kids. It was so selfless. She said to me she missed seeing you run around with all the other kids today. The party was so fun and loud. Adults were jumping around like kids sometimes it was chaotic. But even in the chaos your absence was felt. For me it was screaming in my head. These kind of days are the some of the hardest. The days that we should be making the best memories together. Elo should be yelling at you right now for trying to play with her new toys. “No Hads….Hads.” I wish more than anything I was breaking up that fight tonight.
We honored you today by displaying one of the bears that Grandma made out of your clothes and a picture of you and Elo. I know that you are having the best celebration up in heaven today. But I really wish you were here instead. We love you and missed you so much today. There is a deep ache in my chest for you.