Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been away on a girls get away for the past few days.  Earlier this year I had a work trip in Chicago and I took Aunt Alisa on it with me.  She got to shop, get massages, etc. while I sat in my classes.  She invited me on her trip to Indianapolis for USA Gymnastics National Congress and Competition.  This was all planned before you left us.  So here I am in Indianapolis I was nervous to come and leave your sister home.  But your Daddy encouraged me to go.

Last night we watched the woman’s competition.  It’s all very exciting because the Olympics are next year and it all starts now.  I met Shannon Miller today, she was my favorite gymnast growing up.

 I have been able to see old friends and laugh over good memories.  Going on a trip before you past had a very different feeling than it does now.  Before I would love a weekend a way with no kids, being able to have some adult time.  I would be able to enjoy the getaway and be happy to come home refreshed.  I would be so excited to walk in the house and hear you in the living room babbling.   I would see your face light up as you crawled your little body as fast as you could over to me.  I would pick you up and give you kisses on your cheeks and rub your head.  I would hug you tight and smell you and probably sing you some ridiculous made up song.  So it is a very different feeling being away knowing that when I come home you won’t be there.  None of that will happen.  Ever again.

I have been missing your sister more than I would have in the past.  Probably because when you loose a child it takes a lot more to leave your children.  We facetime several times a day.  Your Daddy is spoiling her of course and letting her do things that Mama would never let her do!

I get so restless knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix this.  I keep looking for quick fix or even a long fix.  There just isn’t one.  There are so many layers to having another baby.  I never saw us having just one living child.  Eloise lost her sister and I was so happy that she had you.  Having you was a dream come true.  So I feel like I want to still give her another sister.  But the problem with that is I can’t give her you and that’s what I really want more than anything.  Somedays I think having another baby is what we should do.  I am sure the baby will bring us joy.  But it will be so hard to hold another baby that isn’t you.  I think I will feel like by having another baby I would be betraying you.  Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to spend the rest of my life missing you and being sad.  I am ok with that because right now I do not feel like life could be any other way.   People say to me a lot, “Remember the good times with Haddie.”  I do remember them and cherish them but they also make me so very sad.  The good times remind me of how life should be, and what I don’t have.

Life is so different without you.