Betraying her by having you.

Haddie Bo Bo,

The night I went into the hospital to have you I remember looking at Eloise as she slept in her bed. I cried because I knew her world was about to change. The next time I would see her she would be a big sister. I had spent almost 2 years with just her and your Daddy. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to love another child as much as I loved Eloise. I felt like I was betraying her by having you. I even made a post on Facebook asking other mothers if they felt that way when they had their second. But from the moment you came into this world you were the perfect fit for our family. For a few days shy of 10 months I had the dream life. What I would give for one of our lazy Saturdays playing in our living room.

I never could have dreamt how you perfectly completed our family. I was so worried how you coming into our lives would change it. Now I am sitting her realizing how you not being in our lives has changed everything. I keep subconsciously searching for the cure to heal our brokenness. It’s not there. It never will be there. I try to do the “normal” things that used to make me feel better or happy. None of it works it brings me right back to you every time.

It kind of bothers me when I hear people say, “She seems to be doing well.” My days suck in and out and I am just trying my best for my daughters, for the daughter that is here and the daughter who isn’t. If I am I enjoying a moment by laughing, or smiling it does not mean that I am not grieving. It does not mean that I didn’t cry myself to sleep the night before. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to give myself a pep talk before going anywhere. It makes me feel like if I am not laying in my bed crying that I am not missing you. But there is no winning. If I did lay in my bed most days then people would have something else to say. People always have something to say. Which of course I am reminded of every time I have ever had a thought about anyone so I need to to show a little grace. We are all human. Oh the lessons we learn in the hardest of times.

Today is absolutely gorgeous outside. It’s sunny, 80 degrees, a light breeze, and it’s the almost perfect day. It really seems like a cruel joke. Days like this shouldn’t exist with out you. The weather should always match the mess that is inside of me. I had the perfect family for this perfect day. We should be floating in our pool together.

Today I went to the store with Eloise to order your birthday cake. I told Eloise it was your birthday soon and we were going to celebrate you. She started singing to you….