Haddie Bo Bo,

I am came home from my girls trip and greeted your Daddy and sister with hugs and kisses.  Then your Daddy held up an envelope and said, “This came.”  It was your autopsy report.  We have waited and waited for this to be finalized, and here it was.  I have only skimmed it but it’s unthinkable that I am reading a autopsy report for you, my daughter.  I was sad on my drive home thinking about you not being there when I walked in the door.  So it hit me like a slap in the face that you weren’t there but instead your autopsy report was.  

I read the summary of what “happened” to you and it angered me.  14:44pm was your time of death.  What was I doing at 14:44pm that day?  Nothing that mattered I can tell you that.  Not thinking about you.  Cause of death: suffocation.  Manner of death: accident.  An accident is a fall, a car crash, or something like that.  I know that your death wasn’t intentional.  It was in most people’s eyes a tragic accident.  But accident doesnt sit well with me.  I should have trusted my gut, Haddie.  There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn’t be here.  It’s a surreal feeling reading a document that a parent should never have to read.  It was like another sign reminding me that this really happened.  You are really gone.  Someone cut you up and made sure there was no way for you to come back.  I know that sounds crazy.  I am reading, 90 Minutes in Heaven, and in the book the guy dies for 90 minutes.  He was pronounced dead but he came back.  So of course my mind asks a million questions.

Why couldn’t you have came back?
Did they try hard enough to save you?
Were you really dead before they took you?

Every time I see an ambulance I wonder if those where the people that decided you couldn’t be saved. Did they made the decision that you had been gone for too long?  

Oh how I wish we were telling a different story.

I know peoples lives go on, they have too.  It’s so strange to see picture of people enjoying life, celebrating events, and looking forward to the future.  Hopefully this doesn’t sound mean because that is not my intentions.  But I really do feel alone in this.  Even people who loved you so much can seem to move on.  They can enjoy life with out this grief weighing on, them each moment of everyday, crushing them.  This is my day in and day out life.  I can see how easy it is to exclude people and hide.  I don’t want people to feel bad about their lives because mine is this way.  I don’t expect people to feel how I feel, or be how I am.  So it’s definitely easier to stay to myself, to stay home, to not talk about it.

On a happier note the weather has been beautiful and we spent today outside.  I laid on a chair in the sun, reading a book, while I watched your sister play.  I couldn’t help but think there is no way I would be able to sit in this chair if you were here!  I would give anything to be chasing you around the back yard, trying to slather sun screen on you.

Already reading chapter books.  She’s advanced.

I love you baby girl.