We went to church today and then ran some errands.  By the time we got home it was nap time for everyone.  As I was putting Elo in her bed she said, “Mama, I don’t want you to go to heaven.”  Although we talk about heaven and how wonderful it is and that you are there with Jesus, Elo gets it.  Elo understands now that you are in heaven and that means you aren’t coming back.  She is 3 1/2 and understands what death is.  She has been talking about it more and more.  She now pretends to “die” while playing, not cool.

She froze me in my tracks the other day when she asked, “Mama tell me the story about Haddie die.”

What do I say?

I said, “Well Haddie and you were at daycare and Haddie fell asleep and woke up in heaven with Jesus.”

This did not satisfy her, “No, tell me about how her died.”

So I said again, “Well she fell asleep and woke up in heaven.”

I’m trying my hardest to explain to a 3 year old something that is so tragic with out scarring her forever.  I don’t want her to fear sleeping, or think that some day she won’t wake up when she goes to sleep.  So I said that I would tell her more when she is older.  How will I know when that moment is right?  When she is ready to hear it?  I think it will just happen over time and as she gets older I can tell her more and more.

Here we are at the doctor’s office the other day.  I love her.


30 Weeks

I will end with a wonderful story.  It happened yesterday.  Yesterday was a dreary day, it rained the whole day.  From the moment I woke up I felt your absence heavy on my heart.  The whole day was just sad and I was going through the motions.  I was counting down the minutes until nap time so I could nap.  Once nap time was over I counted down the minutes until bedtime so I could go and escape.  I was sitting on the couch looking at Facebook.  A friend, that I have only met in person once, posted a picture of her daughter’s first birthday party.  The picture should have been in a magazine, it was so beautiful, and I simply commented, “I wanna come.”  Since you have died this person has been a constant support for me.  Always sending kind messages, commenting on the endless photos I post of you.  She “gets it” as much as she can and lets me know often that she hasn’t forgotten you or me.  Maybe 5-7 minutes after I commented on her picture I got a Facebook message in my inbox.


She sends me this picture and tells me that instead of gifts for her daughter’s first birthday she asked for donations for Haddie’s Calling in your honor.  She then goes on to tell me that she raised over $800 in cash donations alone.  She tells me, “I have thought of you and your girls everyday.  And I thought of you often today.”  On a day that is meant to celebrate her sweet baby girl turning 1 year old she was thinking of me.  I was humbled and brought to tears.  Let me be honest I was brought to uncontrollable sobbing.  I can’t believe that someone would do this for me, and for you, and for our family.  It was so completely selfless.  It’s hard for me to even think about this act of kindness because as soon as it enters my mind I can feel the tears building up.

It makes me think about all the opportunities that I had to be selfless and show others kindness and it just didn’t occur to me.  Sure I sent a card, or sent a meal, but I could have done more.  I could have done so much more.  So I am forever grateful to this friend that I spent probably less than 24 hours with in person.  I have watched her life on Facebook and many times thought she has the best style, the most exciting life, the coolest job.  And now I know the biggest heart.  Thank you…

I love you Haddie.