Haddie Bo Bo,
Neither you or your sister was ever super attached to an object like a blanket, paci, or animal. Just recently Eloise has been carrying around her teddy bear. She doesn’t freak out or have a break down if she doesn’t have it, but she will ask for it. She carries it around the house, she likes to have it at naptime or bedtime, and she likes to take it in the car. She pushes this bear in a stroller around the living room. This bear does have a special meaning, but I have never told her about it until just recently, when I realized she has grown to love this bear.
I asked her, “Do you know who gave you this bear?’
“No. Who did?”
“Remember the day that Haddie left to go to heaven? Well she left this bear here for you.”
She didn’t really have too much of a verbal response, but she just hugged the bear tighter. When you passed away we couldn’t go to where you were. So CPS packed up your sister and brought her to us. It was then that they gave Elo this bear.
Today we took Eloise on a tour of her new preschool right down the road. We visited the room that she would be in and on the door was the names of all the children currently in the class. Right away I saw the name, “Hadley”. I pointed it out to your Daddy, and then I heard the teacher call out, “Hadley”. It’s so weird to hear someone say your name that doesn’t know you or your story. I won’t hear your name called out at school, or visit your preschool class. I won’t see your name written on a cute little owl on your locker. I want that so bad.
For some reason on our drive to the preschool Eloise was telling us that she called you on the phone and you didn’t answer. And that made me sad. Then like so many times one thought leads to another and I couldn’t stop thinking about your perfect looking little body being cremated. Maybe it was because we were driving by a grave yard at the time. It’s crazy how my mind quickly goes from one thought to another that aren’t even related. Then I am sad and haunted by this thought and the only thing I can do to not think about it is to distract myself.
We are getting closer and closer to the end of your pictures on #timehop. Meaning this whole year I have been able to be reminded of what we were doing with you because #timehop shows me pictures from this same time last year. Pretty soon here there won’t be anymore pictures popping up to remind me. We will just start all over with the same memories. The only memories that I have of you. 9 months of memories that will have to last a life time. There just aren’t enough, nothing is ever enough without you.
I love you so much Haddie. I am so sorry.
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