Haddie Bo Bo,
Did you know that day that it was your last? That when you laid down you wouldn’t get back up. Did you know when you closed your eyes that day that they wouldn’t open again? Were you scared? Did you struggle, or was it peaceful? I have always told myself that you just fell asleep and went peacefully. But I don’t know that for certain. These questions I will never know the answers too. Maybe it’s for the best. But then again it makes my imagination wonder places that it shouldn’t. Those dark places that seem to suck me in.
Yesterday (July 4th) was a dark day for me. Which I guess took me by surprise and I wasn’t prepared. I woke up and immediately felt like crying. I was holding back the tears as I feed Elo breakfast. I just wanted to go for a walk so I could be alone and cry and come back and hopefully move on with my day. Well of course nothing goes as planned. I tried to go on a walk but Elo was refusing to let me go. She wanted to come with me and go to the park. FINE. So we went. I still cried the whole walk. She kept talking to me and sometimes I couldn’t even respond. I just kept thinking how she deserves so much better than this. A mom that can answer her questions, not only answer them but be excited to talk to her. Then I started thinking about your baby brother and how unfair it is for him to be born into this world. What have I done? Your Daddy deserves a partner that can be happy, that can move on, that’s not me. Sometimes I just think it would be easier if God would take me now. Everyone seems to function so normally and I just can’t seem to pull it together. I feel out of place constantly. Everyday I feel sadness it doesn’t always get the best of me but yesterday it did. My family deserves better than this, better than me. I want to be with you.
I know that everyone means well but yesterday I just couldn’t handle the constant questions about the baby. Which I understand is totally me and my hormones because everyone is caring and loving. But I didn’t want to think about the baby. All I could think about was you. What about Haddie? It was July 4th in 1 month we would have been celebrating you turning 2. It’s the 2nd time I have watched fireworks without you. How many more times will that happen? It’s torture. I know my thoughts sound irrational. I feel irrational many times.
How come everyone else can be ok but I am not ok. I was not ok yesterday. After the walk and park we came home and laid in bed. We ended up venturing out to a friends house to watch fireworks. Eloise had a blast and that’s what matters. It ended up being good to get out. I smiled, and I laughed. So the day ended good.