Haddie Bo Bo,

I had traveled to Chicago earlier this year for work.  I was gone for 3.5 days and your Daddy was taking care of you and your sister.  I would facetime you guys everyday a couple times a day.  Every time I called you guys were doing great.  When I came home I picked you up and you gave me a huge grin.  You had cut 4 teeth while I was gone. I kissed your cheeks and you giggled.  I asked Daddy if you had been clingy or fussy and he said no.  I couldn’t believe it!  I loved coming home to you and Eloise and your big hugs.  I miss how you crawled all over me and give me a little nibble with your brand new teeth.

We just came home today from our annual trip to Chicago.  We usually go this time of year around my birthday and Aunt Alisa’s birthday.  We visit Aunt Rachel, Uncle Tim, and Evie.  Sometimes we take our kiddos and sometimes we don’t.  This year Elo stayed with Mimi and had a blast.  You made a trip to Chicago when I was around 12-13 weeks preggo with you in December 2013.  You didn’t get a chance to go back.  We would have taken you to see the lights at the zoo this year.  You would have loved it, I would have loved it, life would have been perfect.  We had a great time, shopping, eating, and taking in a magic show.  Spending time with friends that mean the world to me was the best.  I learned how to use uber and met some interesting people using it. The whole time I felt like something was missing.  You were missing.  I am not whole without you.  In fact there is a huge hole missing from my heart and I can feel it no matter what I am doing.  I am different.  I interact differently.  I process things differently.  I am still me but not in whole.  It’s like i’m going through life at 70 percent, sometimes less.

We drove into our driveway and I could see Eloise jumping on the couch looking out the window.  You should have been next to her, staring out the window.  I walked through the door and Elo jumped in my arms for a bear hug.  The kind of hug that is so tight, so full of love, no one can come in between.  I missed your hug.  Elo spend the next twenty minutes running around the living room telling me to, “Watch this, Mama.”  I missed you running around too.  Coming home without you isn’t the same.  There is a gaping hole where you should be.  With everything that is…there is a reminder that you are not.  With every hug and kiss I get from Elo, there isn’t one from you. Whenever Elo tells me that, “I super love you Mom.”  I know that you won’t tell me that.

I look at your box of ashes and can’t believe that the baby I once gave birth too, nursed, and held every day is in that box.  How is that possible?  Where are you Haddie?

Elo and I were cuddling on the couch today and she said, “I’m crying because I miss my baby Haddie.”  (She wasn’t really crying, but doing a fake cry)  I said, “Me too baby I wish she was here.”

She said, “It’s ok, Mama.  She come back really soon.”

After awhile I had to drive to get some groceries.  We haven’t bought groceries in a month.  It had been a couple days since I could grieve you.  I was fighting back the thoughts and tears on the drive home from Chicago and I couldn’t push them away anymore.  I let the tears come and cried for God to take me.  Come back for us.  Something.  Sometimes I really just wish I could be where you are.  The days are hard and long.  Even the good ones.

I had a dream about you this past week.  I think it was your birthday gift to me.  In my dream someone gave you back to me.  It was like you hadn’t died but you were just gone for awhile.  When I got you back I nursed you.  It wasn’t great because we were out of practice.  Then we looked each other in the eyes until you fell asleep in my arms.  Everything was right again.

Why don’t dreams come true.

I love you.