Why am I praying this?

Haddie Bo Bo,

It’s been awhile since I have written you.  I’m sorry.  It’s not that I haven’t thought about you daily…or every time I breath.  I told your daddy that I have felt like I have been neglecting you because of baby Fitz.  He said that he thinks of you more now that Fitz it here.  Every time he cries, moves, breaths, it reminds him of you.  It is crazy how much he looks like you.  People have shown us so much love in the last couple of weeks.  They have brought us gifts and meals and really spent time loving on us and we are beyond grateful.

 

Today has been 14 months with out you.  I miss you.  Yesterday we went to Target and shopped for your birthday on Thursday.  I never got a chance to celebrate a birthday with you.  You know how much I love planning a birthday party.  So I did that for you.  I pinned ideas for your party on Pinterest.  We shopped for party supplies.  Tomorrow I will make some decorations.  But all of it makes me cry. Who ever thought I would have to plan a party for my daughter who is dead.  That should never ever happen.  It hurts me deep in my soul, in my being, in my heart of hearts.

I keep thinking about bringing Fitz home and how I should feel complete.  Our family should feel complete.  But it’s not.  There is a gaping hole and nothing fills it.  Completeness doesn’t exist.  Many may think I am being ridiculous by saying that or it’s depressing.  But it’s the reality of my life.  The one thing I am at peace with in my life is exactly that.

A friend who has also lost a child wrote a post on Facebook about a dream she had.  In her dream her son visited her.  Why do you never visit me in my dreams?  Some mothers write about feeling their child’s presence or feeling them close to them.  How come I can never feel you or sense your presence?  The 2 dreams I have had about you have been about your death.

I found myself praying for Fitz’s safety the other night. It was the middle of the night and I was praying that he would continue to breath throughout the night.  In the middle of this prayer I stopped and asked myself or God, I’m not really sure, why am I praying this?  I prayed everyday that God would keep my girls healthy and safe and it didn’t work.  God chose to let you breath your last breath, to not keep you safe.  After this thought entered my mind I couldn’t seem to finish my prayer.  Then I felt guilty for not finishing the prayer and for doubting.  But I still didn’t finish it.

Tomorrow we celebrate you, and your life.

Love you today and always,

Mama