We were not awarded an “easy pass”

Haddie Bo Bo,

Well when you loose a child, you don’t get an “easy pass” for the rest of your life.  It would be nice wouldn’t it?  After your family goes through the horrific event of loosing a child, that everything else in life should go smoothly.  It makes perfect sense to me.

Wednesday was our appointment for our 20 week ultrasound.  I woke up early because I was anxious…for many reasons.  I was excited, nervous, and scared.  We got a call around 10:00 am from our insurance company.  Up until you passed away I had my own insurance through my employer.  Daddy had gotten a private policy for him and Eloise and you.  It was cheaper to get a private policy than to do a family plan through our employer.  When you passed away and I quit my job we added me to Daddy’s plan.  We didn’t know that his plan was an older plan before Obama Care and it doesn’t cover anything maternity.  This was a devastating blow.  I was very upset and Daddy was sick to his stomach.  We googled how much it will cost us to have this baby, and it’s around $13,000.  I know it’s just money and it shouldn’t ruin my day.  But it did for many reasons.  One being that the only reason we are in this situation is that you are not here.  Another being $13,000 is a lot of money and that is if we have a normal delivery with no complications.  We do have some money in savings from your life insurance.  It makes me so sick and angry to think that we will use that money to pay for my maternity care.  Money that we only have because you passed away.  Now your money has to pay for our future family, that your not a part of in the way we would want.  We have talked to our insurance company and there is no way to change our policy, and they gave us no other options other than, “sorry”.

I was also really bothered that they had to call on the day of our ultrasound.  What are the odds??  We couldn’t even have the joy of just seeing our baby for the first time.  It was completely overshadowed by this shocking news.  We were able to see our healthy baby that day, and we will be adding a boy to our family in July.  I can’t lie and tell you that I wasn’t disappointed.  I was hoping for a girl.  I was hoping to give Eloise back a sister that was taken from her.  It also hurt because having a boy would be perfect if you were here.  Two girls and a boy, our perfect family, but your not here and our family is far from perfect.  It hurts.  I didn’t realize how hard having an ultrasound would be.  I remember clearly the day we went in for your ultrasound and finding out you were a girl.  We were overjoyed and it felt so good to give Eloise the sister I never had.  I am grateful for a healthy baby and I do realize that we are blessed, and others out there have it much worse than me.  I have very close friends, that I consider family, that currently can’t have babies and so I know how lucky I am to be able to have babies.  But I still have all these feelings and emotions that I can’t change at the moment.  I feel like I am always trying to “fix” our broken family and reminded each and every time that it is not fixable.  Nothing is in my control and that is hard for me.  In my previous life, meaning my life before you passed, I was a do-er.  I got things done.  I made things happen.  In my new life I am becoming more and more aware that this is not happening.  It won’t happen. Our family is broken, a piece is missing, this is what will always be.

I know this baby boy is a joy, and you would have loved him so much.  It’s just a hard reality that he will never know you.  You will never get a chance to beat him up  or teach him how things are.   It’s bittersweet and I absolutely feel like I am betraying you.  This baby represents the future of our family, a new life, moving forward, and I don’t feel ready, nor do I want too.  I spent the day after the ultrasound in bed crying, paralyzed by all of these thoughts and fears.  I wish I could be blissfully happy like I should be.  I should be screaming from the roof tops about our baby.  But I can’t.  There are a lot of things I “should be” doing.  There were many friends and family out there waiting to hear the news that day and I still haven’t been able to send that text or make that call.  I am sorry that I couldn’t personally tell those people, but I didn’t feel like I could share the news.  So hopefully they will be able to extend grace to me for that.

This picture is from the day we found out we were having you!

Here is your brother:

Love you so much sweet girl.  I wish it was different.

Mama