We Saw a Beating Heart, I wish I saw your beating heart

Haddie Bo Bo,

Daddy hung up the canvas pictures of you and Eloise in our bedroom. Eloise and I were laying in my bed because we weren’t feeling well. She looked over at your picture and said, “Haddie jump out of the picture.” She then went on to pretend that you were jumping on the bed with her. This kind of stuff really just rips me apart. I love that she remembers you and misses you. I just hate that she has to pretend these moments. We should be living these moments.

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015 was a day that I had dreaded. It had marked a time that I couldn’t believe was happening. Time is such a weird thing. Time means so many different things to me now. My life before you died and now my life after. Well this day marked 6 months since you left us. I can’t believe I have lived 1/2 a year with out you. It doesn’t seem possible that I could physically do this. I can’t understand how I got to this point. I can’t believe that this is the life I live everyday.

So on this day that marks 6 months since I have seen you, smelled you, held you, I found myself at the doctor. This is the very same place that I was when I heard those life changing words, “Your daughter has passed away.” Thankfully my doctor has two offices and I was able to go to the other office, which is now the only office I will visit. Your Daddy and I were in a dark room with a screen watching a heart beat, which we have come to know as a miracle. On a day that represents you not being with us we were able to see the life of our unborn baby. I can’t even describe the emotions and feelings that I was feeling that day. A beating heart is always a gift and I will always be grateful and thankful for that. But it’s not your beating heart and that’s what I want more than anything. I know the hope of new life will bring joy at some point. But I haven’t experienced that yet. My immediate reaction was guilt. How do I hold a baby that’s isn’t you. It’s just not fair. I know I say that a lot but that’s how I feel. This baby won’t know you. You won’t have the chance to be a big sister. I didn’t know how I would feel but I didn’t expect this.

I was also nervous to see my doctor. It had been 6 months to the day that I had seen him last. There have been many times that I think back to that day and wonder how he felt. I feel bad that he had to be there in that moment with me, but at the same time I was glad he was. Unfortunately, he has delivered some of the worst news we have ever heard or been there when we were hearing it. He has also been there for the best moments too.

It’s hard to tell people about the baby, because they are SO EXCITED and happy for us. Right now I can’t seem to mirror that level of excitement. I know I will love this baby and it will make us smile. But it will never take your place, I promise. It’s not possible. I miss you and ache for you. Even when I hold this new baby I will still feel those things. There is no “fix” for the pain I feel for your absence. Our family will never be whole until we are reunited someday in heaven and I long for that day. I know you are in heaven and not worrying about a thing. But I still worry about you and your feelings. I hope that you are ok and not upset and understand that you will never be forgotten and I will always speak your name.

Maybe this baby is a gift from you.