“There’ll be days your heart don’t wanna beat
You pray more than you breathe
And you just wanna fall to pieces”
I heard Keith Urban’s song “Break on Me” today on the radio. Although it is not about losing a child the first 3 lines of the song had me in tears. I feel this way so many times through out the day. There are days that my heart is in so much pain that I really don’t want it to beat any more.
I think of all the moments in our lives that you miss out on and it’s heart wrenching. No matter where I am, what I am doing, what great news I just got, I am always brought back to this place. This place that can’t forget that you aren’t here. That you were stolen from us. There are moments when I feel like I can’t go on….or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to. What did I do that warranted this kind of punishment for a life time. Today the wounds are just as fresh as they were the day you left. They hurt just as bad. My mind constantly flashes these images through my head. I still don’t want to believe its true.
It hasn’t even been a year…how will I survive the next 50. It’s cruel to live year after year, day after day, moment after moment, without you and the burden that leaves. Life will never be carefree again. Even in the most almost perfect moment I can have it’s bittersweet. It hurts. I remember you and what could have been. What should have been. This effects everything and I am so mad. Sometimes my world is so dark that I can’t see even a glimmer of hope.
I want to move away. Far away. Away from all the reminders of my old life, things that bring me pain that I can’t ignore. It’s hard to watch people’s lives fall into place and move on, watch their dreams come true. As a friend I want them to be happy and enjoy what they have been given. But no matter how my life moves on or the blessing that come my way they do not mend my forever shattered heart. My heart breaks for you. Everyday. It was you and me baby girl and I failed you. I’m failing you now.
The thought of June 2nd brings me to tears. We are already starting to prepare for it. I texted your Daddy and said, “You should probably plan on taking June 2nd off of work.” He replied, “I will not be working that day.”
Your picture is my phone’s lock screen picture. Sometimes I swipe it away as fast as possible because I can’t bear to see your face. Other times I stare at it…and wonder why you aren’t here.
Aunt Emily sent me a message one day of a memory about you….
If I knew you were leaving…I would have held you every moment of every day. What I wouldn’t give for one more moment. I wish I could have held you and kissed you goodbye. I love you.