Haddie Bo Bo,
Someday I might be able to take a walk and not sob.
Someday I might be able to drive my car longer than 10 minutes without crying.
Someday I might be able to think about what happened to you with out massive anxiety.
Someday I might be able to watch your videos and smile without crying.
Someday I might be able to smile without effort.
Someday I might be able to live without fear of my thoughts.
Someday maybe….but I don’t think so.
It’s 7:30 on a Sunday night and in our “old life” we would be an hour away from bedtime. I would probably be counting down the minutes. So much has changed and I don’t feel like I have the same life at all. Not even a shell. Our life is so completely different that I don’t even recognize it.
I think back on everything we have lived through the past few months since you have been gone and I can’t believe this is my life. Did this really happen to me?
I can’t believe I have to listen to your sister pretend to play with you. It’s cruel torture.
Someday, Haddie, I will see you again. I will look into your big blue eyes and feel joy. Someday we will be in heaven together and I won’t have to watch videos to see you. Someday your sister will play with you again, her best friend, and not have to pretend. Someday our family will be whole again.
Until that day comes Haddie I spend each day remembering you. I spend each day speaking your name. I spend each day trying to honor you. I spend each day keeping you close. I spend each day keeping you a part of our family.
Love you baby girl.