Haddie Bo Bo,

We are on day 2 of potty training Eloise.  She is doing fantastic!  She has such a personality and brings so much joy to us.  I am sure she would have been potty trained along time ago if I had been more consistent.  Sometimes it’s just easier to put a diaper on than to worry about finding a potty, accidents, travel, etc.  However we have only had 1 accident today so we are well on our way to being 100% potty trained.  Eloise is going to be starting preschool two days a week in a little less than a month.  I think this will be great for her and she will love it.  She is used to being around other kids and having more structure from being in full-time daycare.  Then one day that changed for her and she has been home with her parents ever since with let’s just say not so much struture.

In one day so many things changed for our family.  The biggest thing being you not being here.  We only have one carseat in our car.  We are a party of 3 when we go out to eat, and we only need 1 highchair.  We only have 1 income for our family.  We go to bed much later and sleep in much later.  I watch a lot more TV since you have been gone to drown out my thoughts.  My left arm is weaker because your not on my hip.  Bed time isn’t as fun anymore.  Mornings are definitely much easier in a bad way.  Reading Eloise the book, Sister’s Forever,  brings tears instead of smiles.  But last night when she asked me to read it too her we had a talk about how you are always her sister, and how you are with her no matter what she does.

I don’t know if I totally agree with this quote because losing you was pretty darn hard.  But living with out you has been torture.  I am constantly at war with myself.  Obviously we are all still living and we have no choice but to go on.  There are moments that I do not want to live without you.  It would be easier to not be here, yes.  Does that mean I am suicidal, absolutely not.  There are even times where I have spoken out loud, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”  Meaning I don’t want to live with out you anymore.  It wasn’t my choice to lose you and the pain can be unbearable.  I despise everything about it.  Even though I think those thoughts and I feel those feelings I do not feel or think about harming myself.  Why is that?  I don’t know.  I just know that is not what I am feeling when I say those things.  I don’t want to live like this….but I have to.  And if I have to then I am going to make the most out of it.  Eloise will not say in 20 years that her mother was lost after losing Haddie.  She will not say that she felt not as loved or forgotten.  She will say how full her life was and how her parents made the best of a really sucky situation.  Don’t think we are all rosy down here all the time, Haddie.  We have dark times, many sad times.  Times where we look at each other and say, “This sucks”.  Your birthday party was one of those times.  As fun as it was and as special as we made it we still felt like this:

We had therapy today and I think our therapist is questioning if he can handle us.  It’s our 3rd time going and I think he is finally starting to see who we are or at least who I am.  We were talking about being assertive in our relationship and how there is extreme assertiveness and the opposite.  Well he learned very quickly where I fall I that scale and anyone who knows me knows that too.  Anyway it was the first time in counseling that we both didn’t cry the entire time and it was actually enjoyable.  Hopefully he has us back!  The first couple times we went we were so emotional just being there.  I think the couch you sit on has some sort of powers that immediately make you sob by just sitting on it.  The first time we went I was crying before I even got my name out….not just tears the loud, ugly cry, with the face and the snot.

Well Hads….I am off to make sure Eloise didn’t pee all over the couch.  Even though you both have peed all over the couch many times so really what does it matter???  I love you so very much and I wish I could hold you and rub your bald head.