Now it’s me.

I am now that mom that would give anything to hear you cry.  I would give anything to have you whine or be grumpy.  I wish I could spend one more “difficult” night with you.  I find it strange that I wrote this two years ago obviously not knowing I would be writing it about myself.  

Eloise is 2…very 2.  She is miss independent with everything.  She says, “Me do it,” several times a day.  We hear, “No.” In response to almost everything question.  She is working on sharing and unfortunately we are doing a lot of time outs.  I know that most of this behavior is normal for her age. Even so her world has changed.  She is an only child now, and home with Mama and Daddy everyday for the last month.  On our way home from up north we stopped in Traverse City to do some shopping.  Usually Elo is a great tag along on these occasions, this was not her day.  We were in the middle of the M22 store when she announced that she no longer wanted to wear her diaper and immediately let it drop to the floor full of poop.  Not a contained, easy clean-up, poop log.  It was the thick, “comes out like tar”, poop as your Daddy would say.  Your Daddy scooped her up and we both ran out the back of the store.  She had poop all over her dress, her legs, her shoes, and your Daddy and me.  After we got her cleaned up we tried to go into a few more stores and she had a massive breakdown when we left the toy store.  I’m talking hitting, kicking, screaming, hitting herself, you name it she did it.  We strapped her into her stroller and briskly walked down the main shopping street with several sympathizing stares.  Someone even said, “Been there.”  

I couldn’t help but think that we didn’t even get a chance to have a public melt down with you.  We never got a chance to give you a time out.  When you did something “naughty” it was still in the cute stage.  I didn’t get to hear you tell me no or even say, “Mama” yet.  You will always be 9 months old and perfect.  I won’t be able to cry as I send you off to kindergarten.  We won’t take a girls trip to Chicago to spend all of Daddy’s money at the American Girl store.  The dreams I had for you and our family now are very different and I HATE IT.

So I treasure the embarrassing public meltdown with Elo because I know what it’s like to have that stolen from you.  I hold tight to every moment because it can all be gone in a second.  I now turn the car around, and go back in the house ,and hug and kiss Eloise when I forget to say goodbye.  Even if it’s a 5 minute Walgreens run.  Life is fragile and really can be gone and your whole world turned upside in a moment’s time.  

Love you and missing you always,

Mama