Haddie Bo Bo,
The more and more pregnant I get the more my Mama Bear comes out and it’s like I’m on steroids.
This is our last night of our vacation. We are in Nashville, we are tired, so we decided to stay in. We ordered appetizers from the restaurant next door and sat out by the pool and watched Elo swim. She was the only one in the pool so I was relieved when some kids showed up. There was a girl who was older probably around 7 and her brother who was around 4. I could tell right away that your sister was excited that there were kids to play with. She makes friends really fast, and loves to play with other kids, and does this wherever we go. She is not shy. She is like her Mama. She swam over to the girl and said something to her. The girl did not acknowledge Elo, she did not smile, she ignored her. Elo continued to try to play with the girl and the boy and they outright ignored her. I was fuming, for a few reasons. Why are they being so mean? You don’t have to play with Elo but you could be kind and smile. But really why couldn’t you play with her? The girl was being a good sister and playing with her little brother. Tears filled my eyes. You should here for Elo to play with. Elo should never have to play alone. Elo didn’t realize that they didn’t want to play her. She went on playing, laughing, and just being my happy girl. My heart broke for her…my heart broke for you.
Not only was your life stolen from us…but I grieve the life that was stolen from all of us. My life will never be the same. All my relationships have changed. I am a different person. I am a different friend. I am a different Mom. I am a different family member. I am a different wife. I don’t love the life I live. I don’t love the person I am most of the time. There are parts I love of course. But mostly this life hurts. It’s hard to live it. My goal in life was to have the perfect family. I grew up with my Mama who sacrificed everything for me. She worked so hard to give me a great childhood and it was. She is my hero and I love her. But I wanted to give my kids everything I didn’t have. I wanted my children to have a Mom and a Dad. I wanted them to have close sibling relationships. So I feel like God has taken that dream from me and there is no possibility of that dream coming true. It feels personal. It feels like God said, “I see that your living your dream, but NO you can’t have this perfect life.” I get angry and sometimes I can’t let it go. Well most of the time. I hate that Elo’s life with her sister has been stolen from her. I hate that your Daddy had this life stolen and now he has to live with a wife who is an emotional time bomb. He takes 99% of the brunt of my grief.
This time last year was the last week we had together. I am reminded daily of the adventures we had in our last week.
We celebrated Miss Katie’s Birthday. We went out for dinner and had frozen yogurt. We let you kids play in the grass. You tried to eat the grass and the wood chips over and over. We used the selfie stick. You gave funny looks.
We spent a lot of it outside. Elo showed you how to use the water table and you loved it.
We got out a sprinkler that Grandma brought back from Florida. I locked you on the deck so you wouldn’t fall into the pool. I was new at being a mom to two little girls with a pool in the backyard and I didn’t trust myself. I look at all these pictures of you and I can see you so upset that you had to be on the deck. You cried the whole time. At the time it happened I didn’t think much of it. I thought you would get over it. Now I regret it. I should have let you come down and play with Elo. I should have scooped you up and comforted your tears.
You discovered a love for eggs, and went into the pool for the first time.
Here is a pic of Elo and Daddy on vacation. We miss you. We all miss you so terribly. My heart breaks for you almost everyday. But when Elo grieves for you it’s unbearable. She said to me yesterday, “Tomorrow we are going to go to heaven, to see Haddie. But we have to be quiet because she is sleeping.”