It's all just BULL****

Haddie Bo Bo,

There has been so much sadness in the news lately. So many families losing their children. I can’t bring myself to read the articles because reading about their pain ignites my own pain in a way that sticks with me for days. I know how they feel and I know what the future holds for them and it’s awful. I know the torment they will experience. The moments that are filled with guilt, shame, and regret. The joy filled moments that seem joy sucking.

We spent father’s day here at home. Quietly missing you. On days like Father’s Day we don’t really talk about the day. We know what day it is but we also know that it’s not how it should be. Saturday before father’s day we had Aunt Alisa, Everett, Cruiser, and Olive over to swim for the day. When they were packing up Crew was so exhausted and just beside himself. It shocked me but your Daddy went over to him and picked him up and start to rock him. He fell asleep with in a minute or so. Watching this was just heartbreaking for me. It’s one thing to deal with my own pain but to watch your Daddy do something that he should be doing with you is a whole other ball game. Especially because it just doesn’t happen very often. Although it was heartbreaking it was also heartwarming. It was nice to remember what your Daddy should be doing. We are so out of practice for having a kid your age around. Crew threw almost everything into the pool a spatula, broom, a bubble blower gun, etc. This is the stuff that would be happening if you were here.

There should be another shadow in this picture.

I find myself saying all these cliche phrases throughout the day. I think I say them mostly for Eloise but maybe for myself. When blowing bubbles I say, “Let’s blow some to Haddie.” When picking out a balloon I will ask Elo, “What color do you think Haddie would want?” Maybe I say them for me as a way to keep you a part of our everyday lives. But at the end of the day it’s all just BULLSHIT. None of it is true or matters. Your not here to pop bubbles or pick out your own balloon. None of it makes it easier. Life is grey.

So your brother should be making his arrival any time now. I go back and forth between wanting him to come right now and keeping him in there. Once he is born he is here and life changes. I am not ready for people to only talk about him. I don’t want to stop talking and thinking about you…EVER. I remember you everyday. I remember who you were. I remember the little things. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you are gone…forever.