Haddie Bo Bo,

Today I turned 32.  I have always looked forward to birthdays in the past.  I love to celebrate really anything worth celebrating.  I wasn’t dreading this day like I have dreaded other days like your birthday, Thanksgiving, 6 months, etc.  So I didn’t mentally prepare, or process any feelings, I just woke up. I struggled with if I should just tell you that it was a good day…or be honest.  It was hard, harder than I expected.  But it was so good in many ways too.

I woke up this morning and checked my phone like usual.  I checked my Timehop app.  There were many pictures of last year documenting how we spent my birthday.  You were in each picture and it told the story.  We had to take you to a 4 month check up.  Unfortunately you had to get shots this day.  Elo was so concerned and didn’t like that you got “hurt”.

You actually handled these shots like a pro and cried for less than 30 seconds.  But the rest of the day they made you really clingy to Mama.  I took you back to work with me for the last hour of the day and you did not want anyone else to hold you.  Not even your buddy Mr. Steven.  
I should have taken this as a sign that you were not up to visiting Santa Claus.  But we pressed on!

I absolutely loved these pictures of you and Santa.  We all had to get into the picture because you were so upset.  Elo was obviously very concerned as well.
So I was flooded with these memories as soon as I woke up.  I let the tears come.  I didn’t want to celebrate today.  I would give up all my birthdays to have your birthdays.  I texted Aunt Alisa and asked, “How do I have a great day without Haddie?”  You deserved a long life of birthday celebrations.  How do you celebrate anything when you are in a thick haze of grief.  I eventually got out of bed and went to breakfast with your Daddy and Elo.  I came home and worked for awhile and when Elo went down for a nap….so did I. 
I didn’t look at my phone until I woke up from my nap.  So many people texted, facebooked, called, to show me love today.  Instead of the traditional birthday wish many included that they were thinking of you today too.  That means everything to me.  I felt loved and when people remember you it means the most.  
We ended the night at Craig’s Cruiser with our good friends the Rowden’s and the Vance’s.  We had a good time.  I smiled, I laughed, I beat Bill on the go carts, he was sore loser.  But we still honored you and remembered you.  I love these two families and they have walked through some of the darkest times with us and we are grateful.  God has given us many people who support us and let us be how we need to be.  Mr. Bill loved to hold you.  They brought us a meal after you were born and stayed until midnight holding you.  
If you were here I would hold you until midnight too…and then some.  
Love you,
PS.  I am so blown away by the support for Haddie’s Calling.  Your story will be told, lives will be saved, we will bring meaning to your death.  I am waiting to preview our first sleep sack and then I will put in my first order.  Once we get our first order I will begin donating your sleep sacks with your story.  I can’t wait!  Thank you for everyone’s support!!!