It was hard to breathe

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday was a big day. It was the first time I shared your story publicly. I tried my best to honor you and tell people about how you lived. It was a beautiful day outside, warm, and sunny, I like to refer to it as a Haddie day. As the time for the service got closer I started to have a funny feeling in my tummy and it felt hard to breath. It was nerves mixed with excitement and anticipation. I think everyone in the world should know about you! I wore THE dress. The dress I thought I would never wear again. The one that I wore to say goodbye to you. I thought it was fitting. I did a lot of crying preparing to share your story. I didn’t think that I would have any tears left for the service. I was able to get through your story with minimal tears. But there was a slideshow with pictures of many babies that now live in heaven. Your picture came up on the screen. You were beautiful, happy, and perfect. It’s still such an odd feeling that your picture belongs next to other babies that have passed. Its hurts deep in my soul to see your sweet face up there. I started your story off by saying, “It’s surreal to me that I am here sharing my story. I wish more than anything that this wasn’t my story.” It’s true I can’t believe that this happened to us. When I thought about life and family losing a child wasn’t something I considered. I can’t belief that you are not here. When I saw your picture up there it was almost like I was surprised to see it even though I knew it was going to be there. I started sobbing and I couldn’t stop. Many of the people that loved you came to hear your story. They have been a big part of your life, and now your story. We felt so loved and supported.

After the service there was a balloon release. We all wrote you name on our balloons to send them to you. Eloise had a balloon too and she drew something special for you. When it came time to release the balloons Elo had a hard time parting with her balloon. I said, “Don’t you want to send your ballon to Haddie?”

“No!” She said. “My balloon.” Very fitting for a big sister. Aunt Alisa said it best when she said, “Haddie would want you to keep your balloon.”

If you were here I know that you would give Elo your biggest bite ever.

I saw somewhere that there is 9 weeks until Christmas. I thought that can’t be right. We went to Hobby Lobby today and there are Christmas decorations everywhere. I loved Christmas, Thanksgiving, the whole holiday season. I wish I could still love it. It is like a tug a war inside my head. Most of the time I am so overwhelmed with the thought of celebrating anything without you. Everything is a reminder of your absence. I know everyone says the first year of first are the worst and then it gets easier. I just can’t see this getting any easier. This year would have been so fun watching you on Christmas morning. I don’t see how a year will make this feeling any less. I really don’t want anyone to tell that to me…ever.

Haddie I love you. I loved our life with you….I miss seeing your chubby cheeks as you slept. I loved that I could lay in you in your crib at night and you went to sleep with no crying. Eloise always screamed and sometimes still does. I love that about her too. You guys are so opposite.