In my wildest dreams

Haddie Bo Bo,

When I was young I dreamt of my life, my future, and what it would be. I dreamt of the guy I would marry, the house I would have, the children I would love. I imagined our lives together the things we would do, the places we would go, the traditions we would make. I spent a lot of time dreaming about these things. In fact in my adult life I still dreamt about these things. For good or bad I was always comparing my life to my dreams and constantly trying to make them come true.

We had a wonderful life, Haddie. I wanted to give my children the things I didn’t have. When I had Eloise I knew I wanted to give her the sister I never had. I wanted them to have the Dad I didn’t have. I had a Daddy for my children, and a sister for my Eloise, I had you. I have an amazing husband who loves me, works hard, takes care of our house, and loves my girls. I had two beautiful girls, sisters. We traveled, we had adventures, we lived life and loved it. My dreams did come true.

Never did I plan for or even imagine that my dreams would come crashing down into a million pieces. You dying was never part of this dream and it really messes things up. When you’re young you dream of the future, and your parents try to prepare you for life ahead. No one prepares you for the part of life that isn’t pretty. When talking about life the parts about possible miscarriages, infertility, the devastating loss of a child, are usually not mentioned.

Losing you changes everything. Do I dare to dream anymore? The dream has been tainted or I might say the dream we were living is gone. Sometimes I truly live a nightmare. I wake up everyday to the same reality. That although there is joy there is always sadness too. Although we smile, we don’t smile as big, or as effortless.

Today Eloise pulled you around in her wagon.

Never in my wildest dreams did I see life this way.

We finally were able to submit a claim for life insurance today. I had to write the word “suffocation” 4 times. It was awful…