Haddie Bo Bo,
If I knew you’d only be with us for 9 months I would have done so many things different. I would have picked you up every time you cried. I would have never stopped nursing you because I felt stressed out working full time. I would have taken pictures of every moment of every day and never deleted any no matter how “not perfect” they were. I would have constantly been video taping you so I could watch them over and over forever. I would have quit my job to hold you all day. I would have committed every smile, look, cry to memory. I wouldn’t have let you “cry it out” ever. I would have rocked you to sleep every night and before every nap. I would have never left you to go on a cruise. I would have never left you with a baby sitter. I would have never washed your clothes so I could still smell you on them. I would have stayed that extra day in the hospital just to have that special alone time with you. I would have read that last book to you and Eloise even though I was tired. I would have let you stay in your pack-n-play in my room a little longer before moving you too your room. I would have let go of all the things you shouldn’t do as a mom for fear of starting “bad habits”. I would have slowed down, and spent more time at home. Forget the “on the go” lifestyle. Enjoy more time on our living room floor.
I would have taken you out of your car seat and hugged and kissed you goodbye that last morning. I would have held you as I fed you your last bottle that morning. I would have listened to my gut and picked you up early that day. So we wouldn’t be living this nightmare.
I wonder how this will change me as a mother. Will I mother my children everyday as if it could be their last?