Haddie Bo Bo,

If I knew you’d only be with us for 9 months I would have done so many things different.  I would have picked you up every time you cried.  I would have never stopped nursing you because I felt stressed out working full time.  I would have taken pictures of every moment of every day and never deleted any no matter how “not perfect” they were.  I would have constantly been video taping you so I could watch them over and over forever.  I would have quit my job to hold you all day.   I would have committed every smile, look, cry to memory.  I wouldn’t have let you “cry it out” ever.  I would have rocked you to sleep every night and before every nap.  I would have never left you to go on a cruise.  I would have never left you with a baby sitter.  I would have never washed your clothes so I could still smell you on them. I would have stayed that extra day in the hospital just to have that special alone time with you.  I would have read that last book to you and Eloise even though I was tired.  I would have let you stay in your pack-n-play in my room a little longer before moving you too your room.  I would have let go of all the things you shouldn’t do as a mom for fear of starting “bad habits”. I would have slowed down, and spent more time at home.  Forget the “on the go” lifestyle.  Enjoy more time on our living room floor.  

I would have taken you out of your car seat and hugged and kissed you goodbye that last morning.  I would have held you as I fed you your last bottle that morning.  I would have listened to my gut and picked you up early that day.  So we wouldn’t be living this nightmare.

I wonder how this will change me as a mother.  Will I mother my children everyday as if it could be their last?

Always thinking about you and missing you.  Every breath I take reminds me that your not here.