Haddie Bo Bo,
I have been very busy this past week. Busy and distracted. I haven’t had a lot of time to think….to think about you. When I am awake I am thinking about you 99% of the time. But lately I haven’t had that time to think about you, or mourn you. I usually see this time as our special time. The time that I get to spend with you, set aside. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have you here, the things you would be doing. Sometimes I think about you when you were alive, the memories we made together. Sometimes I think about how you died…and I’m haunted by that.
I look forward to my quiet time that I get to spend with you. Most of the time I do cry. I have been thinking about how in 5 1/2 months I will be in the hospital meeting your brother or sister. I think about how crazy things get with a newborn and everything that goes along with that. Part of me looks forward to the time. But another part of me is so scared for that time to come. I am scared of the reminder of everything that I did with you. Holding you, nursing you, waking up with you. I will soon do that with a new baby. I am nervous that with all the craziness of having a new baby that I will not be able to spend the time that I need with you. I will be distracted. I will be too busy, and I am scared that I will be betraying you in those moments. I am nervous for how much I will miss you. I am torn…I look forward to that, but in that same moment my heart breaks because I want you. With everyday my life moves forward. New experiences happen. We make new memories. You are in none of them. That doesn’t mean I am not thinking of you constantly in those new moments.
I had gone through Elo’s clothes the other day and handed some down to Aunt Emily for their 2 year old C (they are in the process of adopting). Eloise went over to there house last week and saw her “old” coat hanging in their breezeway.
“That’s my jacket.” Elo said
“Yes, your Mama gave it to C.”
“It’s mine, I want it.” Elo stand sternly
“We’re going to keep it here, it’s too little for you now. You handed it down to C.” Emily explained gently.
“I handed it down to Haddie Bo Bo. Where is Haddie?’ Elo asked innocently
“She is in heaven with Jesus, I love Haddie Bo Bo so much…you can have the jacket back whenever your Mama wants it.”
I love this story for many reasons. I love that Elo stands up for you (even though she didn’t need to stand up for you in this situation)! She is truly your big sister to her very core. She will never forget you. When I first heard that Elo was upset about her coat, I thought she just wanted it back because it was hers. When I learned that she wanted it back for you….I was speechless. This little girl amazes me everyday. She is bold, fearless, stubborn, loving, and caring. I treasure her. I treasure how she loves you.
I don’t know how, Haddie, but your little brother or sister will know you. They will know who you are, how you lived, and how much we love you. Every moment that is sweet is also torture, and that is my normal with out you. Missing you always.